#london

The Devon Farmer A Devon farmer is out walking his land one evening and sees a smartly dressed man crouching down by a stream, about to take a drink. ""ERE, ee dun wanna be doin at - tis full o arse piss and cow shite"" says the farmer in his broad west country accent. ""I'm terribly sorry but I've just moved down from London and bought that lovely cottage in the village which I plan to develop"", replies the man. ""You'll need to speak much slower, I've yet to get to grips with the lingo"". ""O…

Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour? They're in Greenwich Mean Time.

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said ""Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"" Confused, the check in lady said ""I'm sorry sir we can't do that"" The man responded ""Thats great news, because thats what happened last time""

What's black and doesn't work? Half of London.

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London. The waiter approached the table and said, ""Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage"". The Texan said, ""What's a shortage?"" The Russian said, ""What's a steak?"" The New Yorker said, ""What's excuse me?""

An Arab man staying in a hotel in London ... ... calls up room service and asks for Pringles. Room service delivers the Pringles to his room. The Arab man looks at it for five minutes then calls back and says: ""Habibi, I said bring girls"". (Habibi means mate)

A newel married women is looking to book for honeymoon A newly married Women goes a travel agent & says, ""Can you give me a great deal on a Honeymoon package"" Agent: We have a $8000 package to Hawaii for 3 nights / 2 days including Flight, Hotel & Food Women: Do you have a cheaper package? Agent: We have a 2 Nights / 3 Days package to Florida Keys that includes travel, hotel & Drinks for $5000 Women: Do you have a package cheaper than this? A better deal? Agent: We have a special o…

The great fire of London in 1666 started after dropping my mixtape too hard.

Internet, my Dad's running the London Marathon tomorrow. Oh, he already told you. Of course he did.

Did you know that World War II was classified as a ""total war"" by historians? [OC] Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called ""total war"", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies ha…

London Joke Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction? Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

UK Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple that the price would be 39.00. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost 2000.00 in England! The agent turned his comp…

An Indian man named Shakher opens a fries stall ... in London and calls it ""Shakher Fries."" He is still wondering why everyone seems to be shaking their fries after putting them in paper bags.

Bruce Jenner just said in his press conference that he is moving to London. When asked why, he said... ...he has always wanted to live abroad.

Apparently, somebody gets stabbed in London every 52 minutes. Poor bastard.

Trains So this woman asks a train conductor: Do you think the train to London will come soon? Train conductor: Yes madam, it'll be here shortly. Go ahead, take a look! The rails have already been placed.

I'm addicted to prescription glasses - Jay London

Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other ""Which is closer, London or the moon"" The other replies ""The moon, obviously, can you see London?""

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, ""That's about average up our way, folks... like I said... my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."" Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, ""Say, you're the father of tha…

Coming back to London after his latest tour ended in Brazil, Phil Collins found that his head was itching. He thought, ""Hmm, I'd better see someone about this,"" and got himself to a doctor. Sure enough, the doctor found small insects in his scalp. He asked, ""Were you by any chance riding a llama with fleas?"" ""No,"" Phil said, ""it's all been alpaca lice.""

The Geordie Salesman A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked him, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" ""Aye,"" he replied, ""I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."" The manager liked him, so said he would give him a try. The first day was difficult, but the Geordie lad worked hard and, at the end of the day, the manager came to see him. ""So, did you make any sales?"" ""Just the one."" The manager groaned. ""Our salesmen make an average …

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one) The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths. They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really ni…

A devout Salafist Muslim enters a cab in London. He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Salafist asked him ""What are you doing?"" The cabbie answered, ""in the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so piss off and wait for a camel.""

An elephant never forgets... my grandfather told me a heartwarming story about a safari ranger an elephant, so I'm here to retell this story to you. One day, whilst out on patrol, Safari Park Ranger Kobus Du Plessis heard a faint trumpeting off in the distance. To him it sounded distressed, and using all of his years of experience as a Park Ranger, Kobus understood the cry as a cry of a young baby elephant. He knew that this baby wouldn't be alone if something dire was wrong with, unless his her…

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The E…