#phil

"Is Phil coming tonight?" "Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?" *suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

[meeting] Bill: we'll call it BILLOSOPHY Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

*walks into interview* Thanks for coming in today. I'm Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil. *walks out of interview*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee* G: usual grande mocha man Barista: gee that's a... G: *sigh* B:...tall order G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

"look, you know i LOVE calling birds. love. but FOUR? jesus, phil, i don't have room for this shit and you knew that!"

[last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"

DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! THOR: "here" IRON MAN: "here" HULK: "here" PHIL COLLINS - "here" ... ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Steve : I'm going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra. *Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

[Cat Businessmen] "Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh." *sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Puddles A man walks into a bar one rainy day with 3 ducks. He places the ducks at the bar, then walks off. The bartender sees the 3 ducks sitting alone at the bar and decides to approach them. He goes up to the first duck, ""hey steve, how you doing?"" to which steve replies, ""oh, i'm good, just been in and out of puddles all day."" The bartender then turns to the second duck, ""hey phil, how are you?"" and phil replies "" oh im fine, just been in and out of puddles all day."" Then the bartende…

What's the song that coldplay wrote for you? Yellow. *Phil answers phone*

So my friend Eddie Wong was trying to build a homemade aeroplane... ...and he told me he was going to ask his brother for help. I told him,""That'll never work. Ask Phil instead."" ""Why?"" ""You see Eddie, two Wongs can never make a Wright.""

what you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil ming

What do you call a... What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of your door? - Matt (mat) What do you call a guy with no arms or no legs in a hole? - Phil (fill) What do you call a guy with no arms or no legs falling off a cliff? - screwed.

So it's been a few days since Phil and Ken got married under Irish law... And already Phil wants to Kilkenny

The devil and three doors Phil finds himself dead and standing at the gates to hell. The devil approaches and says, ""Welcome Phillip, we've been expecting you. Allow me to explain how this works. Everyone that comes here gets an opportunity to choose how they will spend their eternity, behind one of these three doors. Go ahead and look and then come to me with your decision."" So Phil opens the first door and finds a room filled with snakes slithering along the ground, and everyone in the room …

A man named Phil realized he was gay one night.... It was very Phil-filling

Joey's walking down Main Street when he passes George, and George looks frantic. ""Joey! Joey, you gotta help me,"" says George. ""Why? What's wrong?"" ""It's Phil! He's suicidal! You gotta go talk to him. He just got a job at the new soda pop bottling plant, and it's ruining him."" So Joey rushes down the soda pop plant to talk to Phil. ""Phil! What's wrong? I just saw Joey and he said you were really upset by your new job."" ""What? I don't know why he'd say that. I saw him earlier today, and …

Phil Spector's brother I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

No arms, no legs. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs acting as a buoy? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs being peed on? John. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs covered in mustard? …

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall? Art ...floating in the sea? Bob ...laying on the floor? Matt ...down in a hole? Phil ...sitting in a pot? Stu ...

Coming back to London after his latest tour ended in Brazil, Phil Collins found that his head was itching. He thought, ""Hmm, I'd better see someone about this,"" and got himself to a doctor. Sure enough, the doctor found small insects in his scalp. He asked, ""Were you by any chance riding a llama with fleas?"" ""No,"" Phil said, ""it's all been alpaca lice.""