#phil

What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings???? -a duck

A man gets on an airplane Phil gets on an airplane and starts looking for a seat. As he's walking toward the nearest window seat, he notices his friend Jack at the back of the plane. Phil waves his hand and says, ""Hi, Jack!"" Phil was arrested and detained for seven hours.

My friend Phillip had his Lip removed... so now we just call him Phil.

Phil dies and is met by the Devil in front of three doors. The Devil takes him to one side. 'Look, Phil,' he says, 'we're trying something out to cut down on admin down here. We used to assign punishments to the damned that fit their sins, but now we're letting people choose themselves.' He gestures to the three doors. 'What I can do for you is this: I'll show you what's in these three rooms. You need to then choose. But once you've chosen, you can't change your mind. Deal? Ah, what am I saying,…

A grasshopper goes into a bar... and the bartender says, ""Hey! We have a drink named after you."" The grasshopper says, ""You have a drink named Phil?""

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years. What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall? Art. What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch? Matt. What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole? Doug. What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch? Phil. What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps? Skip. What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water? Bob. What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves? Russell. What do you call a quad…

God Said to Phil ""Come Forth and Receive Eternal Life."" Phil came fifth and received a toaster.

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays.

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled ""21"" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled ""34"" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend ""Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out"" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbe…

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. ""Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress"" complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined…

Borrowed Car One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now

75 story hotel Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75 story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs. Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection o…

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter... Dear Ma & Pa, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed …

75 story hotel Phil

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil

What do you call a Canadian fish with no bones? Phil, eh?

Compare The Genders: EATING OUT When the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is…

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?' Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.' 'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires. Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'