#doug

"Your name is Duck?" It's Doug. "Yeah. Duck" Doug. "Duck?" DouGGG "Got it. Duck" Go fuGG yourself "Haha. Classic Duck"

Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting! Doug: um, I don't know Kung f-- Carl: except for Doug from accounting

It's odd how they name storms, but they don't name calms. There's a gentle breeze this morning. I think I'll call him Doug.

"DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!" [camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years... ...until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. ""You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."" ""I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 'I haven't had a single problem since."" ""A thousand a week,"" said Doug. ""You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"" ""Tom replied, ""That's his problem.""

The Will. Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: ""My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. ""My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."" ""My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. ""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all …

There's this guy Doug. There's this guy Doug and he just moved into this new neighborhood. He asks his neighbor down the street if there's any places he should check out. ""Well dude I know of this one place down on 36th where you can pay $20 to have five guys kick the hell of you. It's painful at first but afterwards your head just feels cleared. Only downfall is you have to wait in line."" Doug thinks, What the hell? and goes along with it. He waits for two hours in line and the guys kick the …

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, ""Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."" My daughter ""Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."" My son, ""Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."" ""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the resi…

Forget it :P The thrill is gone from my marriage,"" Bill told his friend Doug. ""Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"" Doug suggested. ""But what if my wife finds out?"" ""Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"" So Bill went home and said, ""Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."" ""Forget it,"" said his wife. ""I've tried that - it never worked.""

Doug is mowing his yard when a moving van pulls up to the house next door Doug walks over to the guy driving and says: Hi my name is Doug. Are you moving in? James: Yeah, I just moved to town and bought this house. Doug: So what do you do? James: I am a doctor in deductive reasoning. Doug: Hmmm, What is that? James: Let me show you. I see over your side gate that you have a dog house, therefore you have a dog. Most men that have a dog typically have kids and are therefore married. I have deduced…

An accountant sucks at his job... After his last warning for not paying attention to detail, an accountant is fired from his job. He decides that the great outdoors is calling him anyway, so it doesn't really bother him. he decides to throw caution to the wind and become a lumberjack despite knowing nothing about the profession. Because of this he sets off to get some practice chopping trees down. He walks into the local hardware store and asks for gloves, a saw and a hardhat. The store clerk se…

A woman had five sons. A woman had five sons: Alex, Bill, Chad, Doug, and Eric. One day, the woman gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says, ""I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your son was in a car accident and broke his leg."" ""Oh no!"" She responds, ""Which one?"" The doctor answers, ""The left leg.""

Did I tell you about Doug McDonald? He was a farmer, who used to love his farming machinery, went to trade shows, and had posters up on his wall. He used to make sure his favourite one was kept polished and well maintained and everything... But one day he fell off while driving to his fields and it put him right off his hobby. -------- He was at the village pub one day when there was a fire in the kitchen. It was billowing great huge plumes of black smoke. Thick and nasty and horrible, and all o…

BeSt FaThEr EvEr A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, ""Can I speak to Doug, please?"" ""No, there's no one called Doug here,"" says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. ""That's irritation,"" he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Doug a second time. ""No, there's no one here named Doug. …

A Tale of Two Dougs. Once there were identical twins, both named ""Doug"", that owned a successful rabbit farm, and once a week they would spend their riches together at their favorite auction house in the big city. Now the Dougs, who were as eccentric as they were superstitious, each brought along to the auction identical live pygmy bunnies in their pockets (in lieu of lucky rabbit's feet). When the two Dougs got to the auction they would be recognized by the auctioneer almost immediately, for …

Some recent grads having a beer.. Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, ""I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can guess where each of you went to school."" ""That would be interesting,"" said Doug, ""I'd like to see how you could do that."" ""Well, Mike here, he's Harvard. That's e…

My pet dog named Doug ran away. Now everybody calls me Doug-less. :(

What do you call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs jokes. (WDYCAGWNAANL) Ok these are pretty common, so I'll start with a couple of standards and then add some I came up with. WDYCAGWNAANL in a mailbox? Bill WDYCAGWNAANL in front of a door? Matt WDYCAGWNAANL in the water? Bob WDYCAGWNAANL in a pile of leaves? Russel. In a hole? Doug. On a pile of dirt? Phil Now a few of my own ( although others have probably figured these out too): WDYCAGWNAANL on fire? Bernie Dead? Mort or Mortie With one rem…

What do you call... ...a man in a bush? Russel! ...a man in a lake? Bob! ...a man with a car on his head? Jack! ...a man with a spade in his head? Doug! ...a man without a spade in his head? Douglas! ...a man with a toilet on his head? Lou! ...a man with a map on his head? Miles! ...a man hooked to the wall? Art! ...a woman slates on her head? Ruth! ...a man with a plank on his head? Edward! ...a man with TWO planks on his head? Edward Wood! ...a man with THREE planks on his head? Edward Woodwar…

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years. What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall? Art. What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch? Matt. What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole? Doug. What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch? Phil. What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps? Skip. What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water? Bob. What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves? Russell. What do you call a quad…

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said ""yes."" He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were renting tuxedos as well, but he waited patiently because he was so thrilled, and orders his tuxedo. A week passes. Doug realizes he wants to rent a limo for the big night to impress Susan, so he goes…

""The thrill is gone from my marriage,"" Bill told his friend Doug. ""Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"" Doug suggested. ""But what if my wife finds out?"" ""Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"" So Bill went home and said, ""Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."" ""Forget it,"" said his wife. ""I've tried that - it never worked.""

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, ""Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"" ""I got it for my wife, eh,"" answers Bob. ""Oh!"" exclaims Doug, ""Good trade.""

Fishing Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, ""I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."" Doug replied, ""Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.""

What I tell people is the great Canadian joke Bob and Doug lived in the northern wilds of Canada. Winter was approaching so they went out to chop wood to keep them warm during the cold months. After working all day they had gathered a respectable amount of firewood and were feeling pretty exhausted. Bob turns to Doug and says "Well, what do you think? Do we have enough? What if we have a really cold winter?" They discussed this for a while and finally decided to ask old Indian Joe what he tho…