#susan

Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just... You never listen Susan.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*

Me: Hello darkness my old friend Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

A guy in the store on his cell said "Susan, I'm in my car on my way" so I yelled "NO HE'S NOT!" Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack "Dad I swear they're not mine" DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan.

-THAR SHE BLOWS *she stops* Does he REALLY have to be in here? "My seeing-eye pirate? Yes" But this is so intima- "Fill the balloons, Susan"

[1st date] date: ...you said you had abs me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels? Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

*leans out office door* Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch. *goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

"Susan, will you marry me?" "Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!" Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

When I get Tired.. I read this and laugh like hell. Must see if you are exhausted I always look for a way to chill out after working for hours in front of my computer..and I never get bored reading the same lines I'm sharing here I smile each and every time..read,refresh and back to work! Enjoy... ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _________________ ATTOR…

Wife comes home late at night. Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband. Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done. Once she makes i…

All my life I was in love with one woman... Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contact. We had a few dates, and I took her home after one night out at the bar, and that's when I suffered the biggest disappointment of my life. Her cunt was bi…