#susan

The first time I made love to Kate I thought of my late wife, Susan. I thought, this'll teach her to be late

Insurance... Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, ""We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."" The agent replied, ""Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."" There was a long pause before Susan replied, ""Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.""

Elementary School Teacher falls down really bad | Old joke from Brazil After the break time, Mrs. Schmoyer called all kids to go back to the classroom. While they were walking through the hallway, Mrs. Schmoyer (who was wearing a black skirt that day) suddenly falls really bad on the floor. All the kids shout laughing. She stands up really mad and starts do yield at the kids. Then, she turns to little Susan: ""What did you see, Mrs. Becker??"" ""- I saw your shoes, Mrs. Schmoyer"" ""One day of s…

Little bill came in from recess Little billy came from recess where he was greeted at the door by his teacher. ""how was your recess?"" he asked billy. ""it was good, I played in the sand box with little susan"" billy replied. ""that sounds lovely. If you can spell the word cat you can have an extra 10 minutes of recess"". ""c-a-t"" and off he went. Next in came little Susan. ""how was your recess little susan?"" ""oh it was good. I played in the sand box with little billy"". ""how nice, if you …

Two guys go to a nightclub in the 19th century. They're friends with the owner. The owner has a kid named Tony, who no one has seen for weeks. The first, Jacob, goes off to have a drink, and the other, John, flirts with girls. John sees a hot chick, and hits on her for a while. A few minutes later, John walks back to Jacob. ""Dude, I just met the hottest chick ever! I think she said her name was Susan or something."" Jacob takes one look at Susan, grabs John, and throws him into their carriage. …

An elementary teacher told her students that if they could answer the questions correctly they would be dismissed from class. The teacher asked, ""Who said 'A house divided against itself cannot stand'?"" Susan in the front raised her hand and said ""Abraham Lincoln"" and she was allowed to leave. The teacher then asked, ""Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"" Abby, who was also sitting in the front, raised her hand and said ""John F Kennedy…

A Professor was teaching a Health Class... When he posed a question to his students. ""I hope you have all done your reading from last night, so tell me, what part of the human anatomy can expand to four times its smallest size?"" Seeing a girl not paying attention in the middle row of his class, he called on her: ""Susan, you look as if you are very knowledgable in this topic, would you care to answer?"" The girl could only retort ""Are you insinuating that I am a slut? I cannot believe you Pro…

Little Johnny's Teacher Gives the Class a Mother's Day Assignment They were studying the meaning of various phrases. The teacher goes on to explain the meaning of the sentence *""We only have one mother.""* Okay, Little Peter, give me a brief narration that includes the phrase *""we only have one mother.""* Little Peter starts: I was sick in bed with a high fever, and then comes my mom, gives me a glass of warm milk with some aspirin, kisses me in the forehead and I thought *""We only have one m…

Lesson Counting Finger Hands The teacher asked: ""Now, Susan, how many fingers of your hand?"" Susan: ""Ten."" Teacher: ""Right. Now if you lose four of them, what would you have?"" Susan: ""No more piano lessons.""

Susan froze to death. She was cremated It's what she would have wanted.

The First Jewish President' The year is 2016 and the United States has elected a woman, Susan Goldfarb, as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home then a limousine will pick you up…

History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the ""Lazy Susan"", but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.

""Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?"", Mrs Mary asked. ""I know! I know!"", Little Johnny said with vigour, "" they go behind the bushes in the playground!"" ""Please little Johnny, mind what you say"" ""Oh its true Mrs Mary!"", voiced Susan enthusiastically, ""T.J took me there and showed me his Weiner."" The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously. ""Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"" ""Hah, so it was tiny?"", the teacher relieved, asked. ""No, salt…

Office Jokes At the office during lunch, Susan from sales stands up and yells, ""53!"". All her other coworkers in the canteen laugh hysterically. A moment later Bob from accounting stands up and says, ""41!"". All in the canteen laugh even more loudly. A new hire in the canteen asks his coworker to his left, Joe from marketing, what was going on. Joe's answer: ""We have hundreds of jokes circulating throughout the office, and each one is assigned a different number. Most of the jokes are very l…

Two friends, john and susan were discussing what they do on their free time. Susan says she goes to joke parties every weekend. The john was very curious and wanted to know what ""joke parties"" were. They both go together the next meeting and much to johns surprise they weren't actually telling jokes. They were just shouting out numbers. ""12"" one person would say and everybody would laugh. John turns to Susan and asks what's going on. Susan explains they all tell so many jokes they heard them…

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud... ...and endless argument about family reunions. At last, Fred relented. ""I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine.""

Someone explain the joke The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, ""Why, Susan, I'm surprised."" She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, ""No. I am surprised. You are astonished.""

Dearest John John receives a phone call. ""Hello,"" he answers. The voice on the other end says, ""This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."" John: ""Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"" Susan: ""Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."" John: ""Oh, yeah, of course! Susan! How are you?"" Susan: ""I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."" John: ""Say, you ARE a good sport.

Susan at Bible Shool Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, ""Who is the Son of God?"" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, ""Jesus Christ!"". After this…

A cheerio named Tom Alright this is a story about a cheerio named Tom. Tom was a good guy just your average run of the mill cheerio. He awoke one morning feeling pretty good about himself, he was gonna have a good day. He drank some milk and headed off to work. About half way to work he noticed a girl standing at the bus stop. His crumbs fell when he saw her. I mean, she was one smoking hot cheerio. She had one grade A circle and a set of double O's. Tom decided to grow some balls. ""Hey in Tom,…

Tom takes his girl to a party. Tom took Susan's hand and headed in. They danced the night away with cereals of all kinds and pumped with the music. Not even Cinnamon Toast Crunch could see how great this party was. Eventually Susan got tired and sat down with Tom, thirsty. ""Hey Tom, can you get me a drink babe?"" ""Yeah, sure what do you want?"" Said Tom. ""What do they have"" Complained Susan Well, How about some Coke...wait that line's pretty full. What about some Pepsi, ... well damn, that l…

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff The accountant said, ""Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."" The owner replied, ""Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."" The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, ""Susan, I've got a prob…

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said ""yes."" He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were renting tuxedos as well, but he waited patiently because he was so thrilled, and orders his tuxedo. A week passes. Doug realizes he wants to rent a limo for the big night to impress Susan, so he goes…

What part of the body goes to heaven first? In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: ""What part of the body goes to heaven first?"" In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. ""Yes, Susan?"" ""The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."" ""Excellent,"" said Sister Mary, ""and you, Charlotte?"" ""The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."" ""V…

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, ""Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. ""Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm…