#liverpool

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Finding a striker Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson sends scouts out around the world looking for a new talent to hopefully win the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Afghani striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Ferguson flies to Afghanistan to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at home to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left to play. Ferguson gives the young Afghan the n…

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire... I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet. I asked ""What are you doing?!"" ""Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine""

The Memory Man... A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. ""Who's he?"" asked the Liverpudlian. ""That's the Memory Man."" said the bartender. ""He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads…

3 Football fans go on holiday... Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry. Hartlepool fan: ""I'm from hartlepool so i'll have the heart"" Liverpool fan: ""I'm from Liverpool so i'll have the liver"" Arsenal fan: ""Urm... I'm not hungry""

In light of recent UK news... ... A questionnaire was sent to 100 Liverpool supporters asking if they thought they needed a new fence, 2 were for it, 2 didn't care and the other 96 were dead against it.

Three famous footballers are on a plane... Three famous footballers are on a plane and all of a sudden it crashes on a desert island. All three players survive but all the crew but the pilot's bodies are irretrievable. They decide to cannibalise the pilots body to survive, the first players says, ""I support Manchester so i will eat the chest."" the next player says ""I support Liverpool so i will eat the liver."" the Final player says ""I support Arsenal but i'm not hungry""

An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest. An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest. The American said, ""We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split open and his guts spilled out onto the turf. Luckily, one of the best surgeons in the country was i…

Liverpool I've been to Liverpool and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice.

Will and Guy Select Our Top Ten Quirky Words: Barking: Thought to be named after the London suburb, home to a former asylum site; hence 'Barking mad'. Binge: A bout of uncontrolled indulgence. Blighty: A word much loved by RAF types in WW2. Originally from the Hindi word ""bilayati"" meaning foreign. Blimey: Could be shorthand for ""God, blind me."" Chum: A ""chummy"" used to be a chimney sweep's assistant. Cuppa: First used for tea by PG Wodehouse, the playwright. Dear: From an old English word…

A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride The man from Egypt says ""we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids"". A while later the man from Paris says ""we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here"". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said ""we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!"".

A plane full of soccer (football) players crashes in a desert. There are 5 survivors. Hunger gets to them and time is running out. Ultimately they all agree to eat the first person to die and give the body parts of the deceased's body to the player in the team with a similar name to the body part. After three days a player from Celtic dies due to an inflammatory bowel. The 1st player is from Manchester & claims his chest & torso as agreed, the 2nd is from Liverpool & takes his Liver …

So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool... ...Brendan Rodgers says: ""We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."" Danny exclaims: ""That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley""

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Frenchman wash up on a desert island after their plane crashes at sea... Paddy Frenchman didn't make it and the others decide that they must divide up his corpse and resort to cannibalism lest they starve to death.   Paddy Englishman says ""Well, I'm from Liverpool so I should get his liver."" The others agree that seems fair.   Paddy Scotsman says ""I'm from Braetongue, so I should get his tongue.""   After a …

A young woman in Liverpool... A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, ""Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food eve…

TIL Steven Gerrard is releasing a biography on his time at Liverpool As of yet, the book has no title.

Liverpool have went from SAS to LOLS From Suarez and Sturridge to Lallana Origi Lambert Sturridge

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because number 7 is Luis Suarez, and he'll eat 9, 10, 11 and the rest of your team. (Disclaimer: The joke above is only applicable when he plays for Liverpool)

Q: Why is it so easy to pick a Liverpool FC line-up? (Soccer-Related) (taken from the geniuses of Youtube) A: Because all you have to do is put on Gerrard and Suarez and wait for 9 Liverpool fans to get drunk and run on the pitch.

In Liverpool, you'll never walk alone. There will always be other visitors to the city who've had their cars stolen, too.

I really want to make a joke about Luis Suarez but I don't want to upset Liverpool fans.F*ck it. Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt? Because he lives in Liverpool.

If you're a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things: 1) Defending Gerrard 2) Defending Suarez 3) Kissing your sister

Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

A black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog". Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland". The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"