#manchester

Beers for me brothers So, there's a man in a small Irish village who comes to a local pub at least once a week. When he came around, he would always order three beers and sit and drink all three before leaving. One day a new patron came into the bar and while sitting at the bar noticed the man order three beers. Out of curiosity, the patron asked him, ""'Scuse me mate. I notice you ordered three beers and drink all three yer self. Why is that?"" And the man said, ""Well me and my two brothers us…

Finding a striker Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson sends scouts out around the world looking for a new talent to hopefully win the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Afghani striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Ferguson flies to Afghanistan to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at home to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left to play. Ferguson gives the young Afghan the n…

To the beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (06/07/10).. You were a beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (06/07/10), you had caught my eye on the platform laughing wearing a pink backpack and a gold headband. We exchanged glances several times and I was finding it hard not to stare, I wanted to talk to you and hoped we could swap details I just lost my nerve and before I knew it we'd arrived and…

How many cross-dressers live near Manchester? Well, nearly 320,000 people round there have a Wigan address.

Three famous footballers are on a plane... Three famous footballers are on a plane and all of a sudden it crashes on a desert island. All three players survive but all the crew but the pilot's bodies are irretrievable. They decide to cannibalise the pilots body to survive, the first players says, ""I support Manchester so i will eat the chest."" the next player says ""I support Liverpool so i will eat the liver."" the Final player says ""I support Arsenal but i'm not hungry""

A plane full of soccer (football) players crashes in a desert. There are 5 survivors. Hunger gets to them and time is running out. Ultimately they all agree to eat the first person to die and give the body parts of the deceased's body to the player in the team with a similar name to the body part. After three days a player from Celtic dies due to an inflammatory bowel. The 1st player is from Manchester & claims his chest & torso as agreed, the 2nd is from Liverpool & takes his Liver …

Did you know that World War II was classified as a ""total war"" by historians? [OC] Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country's resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called ""total war"", as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies ha…

What do you call a flat chested girl? Manchester Mehboob (translation from hindi : lover)

Q: How are your mum and a starbucks tip jar the same? A: Both of them will beg you to get a pound in. This joke works best if you realise I live in the UK and ""pound in"" and ""pounding"" sound the same in a manchester accent. Yeah.... jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them :(

Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.

Topical Jokes 4/10 (Special mention to JonasPolsky, you've inspired me to write one a day!) - Spain is raising its age of consent from 14 to 16. Meanwhile the bankers at the European Central Bank are saying that they might not be able to keep their interest rate low for the next 2 years. - The French National Assembly have decided to put three artificial beehives on its roof to promote urban greenery. Meanwhile, inspired, the bees are now demanding 'liberty, equality and fraternity' after the Qu…

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. ""You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"" The Englishman said, ""Very sporting of your mother.""

World's Funniest Joke The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries. The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject. The…

I asked my wife if I was the first person she'd slept with. She said 'I don't know, were you in Manchester in 1979?'

Scouse eggs Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tyres goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make …

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away." The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?" The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart." The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand to know who this Emily is!" The husband, startled awake, looked at his wife with a mix of confusion and panic and th…

What's a United joke you haven't heard yet? Manchester

4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"