#washington

WHO'S ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN WASHINGTON? AND WHY? I'M REALLY UNINFORMED.

What the Washington Fat Cats don't understand is that when they stopped making Doritos 3D we lost an entire dimension of flavor

Ladies, please keep it down a bit, a large group of white men are in Washington trying to sort out your birth control.

[talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man

My kid just asked me where Washington 3-D is, because she wants to see the presidents house...Now I can't decide if she's cute, or retarded.

Twitter's new "local" feature tells me that "goodmorning" and "nowthatsghetto" are trending here in Washington. Wow. This is a game-changer.

Say Bubba, do you know.... *One of my favorite Bubba jokes* Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend c…

One for all of us country folks Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. ""I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me,"" he explains. ""Whoever screams the least gets the bird."" The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crus…

Classic from Middle School George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Harry Truman are riding together on an airplane. They get to talking about how they want to be remembered. Lincoln says ""I'd like to help the poor, so I'll throw a penny with my face on it so they'll know who helped them."" He throws a penny out the plane window. Washington then says ""I, too, want to help the poor, but I want to give more, so I'll throw a quarter with my face on it so they'll know who helped them."" Truman fina…

Earthquake in DC... This is the shakeup in Washington we needed.

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote: ""If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strict…

The Trump family is flying from New York to Washington Donald looks down on the cities below and says ""I think I'll throw a $100 bill out the window and make some American happy."" Melania says ""Oh honey, why not throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"" So then Ivanka says, ""Even better Daddy, throw 100 one dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy? To which the pilot says ""Why don't you all jump out the window and make the whole damn country happy?""

Man's March (on Washington) Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.

Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump. Franklin turns to Trump and says: ""I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."" Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: ""Of course I do. Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin. That's all I need to know!"" Trump taps Franklin's portrait on the bill. ""Now leave me alone!"" Franklin scoffs at the gesture and walks out the bar. Washington is shocked and loudly e…

Y'all know Bill, right? Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago ""You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."" To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. ""Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"" ""No worry boss,"" says Bill, ""Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you"" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts, ""Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"" A…

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office... Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers. Trump: ""What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin""? Secretary: ""Just a second, Mr. President..."" Trump: ""Thanks"" <click>

Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York... One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ""I think I'll go up and get a Coke."" ""No problem,"" said the Israeli, ""Stay there, I'll get it for you."" While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it. Whe…

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do... He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice. ""What do I have to do to become a great president?"" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington. ""You must never tell a lie,"" Washington responded. Trump scoffed. ""No way! do you really expect me to do that? You're useless Washington."" The ghost vanished, only to be replaced by the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. ""What must I do to…

Forget Washington, Lincoln, JFK. Trump Is Simply Going To Be The Best President To Have Come in A Melania.

Walking around Washington, Joe Biden sees Donald Trump and says to him... Hey Donald! (says Joe Biden), I know I'm an ugly, bumbling, retard, with ridiculous hair plugs, so I've long since accepted that women don't find me attractive. But for your whole life, the most beautiful women have always loved you. I've wanted to know what it was like to be a man who actually gets the women. Trump says, well... you spend every day in the White House with Barack. I mean, sure he's an idiot, hates America,…

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Mr Smith? Mr Smith went to Washington

An Italian guy named Vinny comes to America to become an American Citizen... To become an American citizen Vinny has to go to court and stand in front of a judge. Vinny brings his whole family to the courtroom to cheer him on. They are a very loud and rambunctious Italian family. Vinny stands in front of the judge and the judge says, ""Ok Vinny, before you become an American citizen I have to ask you a few questions about American history"" Vinny very confidently says, ""Hey, not a problem judge…

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank …

Which state does the most laundry? Washington.

Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry The steaks have never been higher