#washington

What paper do you read? The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country. The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country. The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country. The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. The NY Daily News - Read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they can get a seat on the subway. The San …

""What is the fastest thing you know?"" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates. Dave, the American, replied,""A THOUGHT"". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."" ""That's very good!"" replied the interviewer. ""And now you sir?"" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. ""Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know. ""Excellent!"" said…

Nate the snake There's this civil engineer who has a dream of a super-interstate-highway running from Los Angeles to Washington DC. After years of lobbying, he finally is awarded a contract to construct a perfectly-flat, perfectly-straight 16-lanes-each-direction highway from Los Angeles to Washington. So he employs all the best surveyors, to make sure the highway is a perfect straight-line from LA to DC and to make sure it stays perfectly flat. He subcontracts with only the best construction cr…

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church... An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint. The Cardinal replied, ""No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of …

How to get a free plane ticket to Washington You can get a free plane ticket to Washington (DC) by using the secret code used by undercover CIA agents use to communicate. If they hear you say the code word ""Al-ah-who, Ack-bar"", they will put you on a plane to Washington FOR FREE, assuming you have an important message for the President. Here are some tips to make sure an agent hears your message: - Say it in a crowd of people, the more people there are around you, the more likely one will be a…

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage... Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him …

Wheelchair jokes/puns [Request] for bonding My Marine brother broke both of his legs, so he has to use a wheelchair to get around. I have to help him move some stuff from Washington to California, and my payment is being able to relentlessly fry him with wheelchair jokes. I want to see how long it'll take before he can't ""stand"" then anymore. (I'm sorry in advanced, but the cheesier, the better)

What US state has a lot of dirty laundry? Washington

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency,…

Lawyer Joke You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

For 2 nights only, Duran Duran will play Walla Walla, Washington. The opening act will be Mr. Mister. Sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department and Dum Dums Lollipops For 2 nights only, Duran Duran will play Walla Walla, Washington. The opening act will be Mr. Mister. Sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department and Dum Dums Lollipops

So a liberal woman bought some land... A liberal woman from Los Angeles who took pride in being a tree-hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got …

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him end…

AMERICAN DIVORCE If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

There was a Mensa convention in SF. (Grandpa's joke) > > Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or > higher. > Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, > and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and…

NPR recently did an interview with on one of the key lobbyists trying to preserve the penny. He described himself as an agent of change in Washington.

THE FORTYNUNNERS Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there,"" said the first man. ""I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' ""I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. ""Go to Hell, there are N…

Nixon's speech in case of mission failure was released... I rewrote it if GW had been in office. God has willed Neil Armlong and Edwin Aldrich have left the Earth and will not return. These brave men know that there is no hope for a safe return. We told them over the radio just a little while ago. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by their pets and by both democrats and r…

Why should the lower 48 states be the lower 46? Because Washington and Colorado aren't low, they're quite high!

A Washington, DC flea goes to book a vacation with his travel agent because he's been cooped up in a K Street lobbyist's crotch for the past 8 months and he feels overworked. So his travel agent says, ""You won't believe the package I've got for you! Fifteen days in Obama's haircan you believe it? He's going to be at Camp David the whole time, it should be real nice and relaxing."" The flea says yes and heads out to Camp David. But two days later he comes back to his travel agent and says, ""Wel…

The Japanese Monastary Ronald Fujikawa was on a plane from Walla Walla, Washington to Hong Kong for a business trip, but the plane ran low of fuel partway there, so they had to land in Tokyo, Japan. As the crew was refueling the plane, it was discovered that there were other mechanical problems to be addressed. Thus, the flight out of Japan was delayed for 12 hours. Ronald, though upset by the setback, decided it would be a better idea to spend this time doing fun stuff. So, he goes to the infor…

Diamond is the strongest metal known to man. Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows: Pocket-protected scientists built a wall made of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diam…

Bubba applied to work for the FBI Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside. He said, ""Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even …

Dave knows everyone there is to know.... Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Alth…

New Software Program announced. A new language software program has been announced. It is designed to teach you to communicate with residents of Washington and Colorado. It will be released as Rosetta Stoned.