#washington-dc

I think we can all agree that "Phillybuster" would be a great name for a cheese steak restaurant in Washington DC

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security - Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

the talking dog A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. ""Dad,"" he says, ""You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"" ""That's amazing,"" his Dad says. ""How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"" ""Just send him down here with $1,000"" the young cowboy says. ""I'll get him in the course."" So, h…

I found out why the Ringling Brothers Circus closed down. All the clowns moved to Washington D.C.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard. So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne. ""Tell me, what do you believe in?"" God asked Mr. Bush. ""I believe in education and free trade,"" was the reply. ""Excellent. Take a seat here on my right,"" God said. ""Now tell …

Nate the snake There's this civil engineer who has a dream of a super-interstate-highway running from Los Angeles to Washington DC. After years of lobbying, he finally is awarded a contract to construct a perfectly-flat, perfectly-straight 16-lanes-each-direction highway from Los Angeles to Washington. So he employs all the best surveyors, to make sure the highway is a perfect straight-line from LA to DC and to make sure it stays perfectly flat. He subcontracts with only the best construction cr…

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.? Between a politician and a news camera.

How to get a free plane ticket to Washington You can get a free plane ticket to Washington (DC) by using the secret code used by undercover CIA agents use to communicate. If they hear you say the code word ""Al-ah-who, Ack-bar"", they will put you on a plane to Washington FOR FREE, assuming you have an important message for the President. Here are some tips to make sure an agent hears your message: - Say it in a crowd of people, the more people there are around you, the more likely one will be a…

George W Bush looked exactly like a chimpanzee, and Michelle Obama has the face of a gorilla... The White House should be the name of the monkey exhibit at the Washington DC Zoo!

I'm leaving Washington D.C. and... I'm on the plane sitting next a cute girl. We talk about our experiences in D.C and what we did over the weekend, which museums we went to yaddyaddyadah I then ask her: ""Did you go to see the monuments?"" She quickly but disappointingly responds: ""yes, we went and saw all of them, but I'm not a huge monument person."" I respond: ""oh, that's unfortunate. You know who is a giant monument person?"" Her interest peaked: ""no, who?!"" Me: ""Abraham Lincoln."" . S…

Ollie and the pope Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said ""all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!"". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and knocked on his door. When Cruise answered the door he gave ollie a hug and exclaimed ""Hey ollie it's been a while since I've seen you"". Ollie's boss was dumb founded ""holy cra…

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, ""Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"" The woman thinks to herself, ""No, not my brother! He's an idiot!"" She asks the doctor, ""Well, what's the girl's name?"" ""Denise."" replied the doctor. ""Wow that…

Why does Washington DC stink? Because of the B O

Why do the walking dead survivors try to get to washington D.C.? Because it's their Michonne.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC. Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks: ""The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."" Carter responds with ""Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"" ""Sure"" ""When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever ma…

My wife and I were walking down the street. My wife and I were walking down the street when she spotted the mayor of our town. ""You should go introduce yourself"" she said. I replied ""I have known him for years why should I?"" ""You do not know the mayor!"" she exclaimed. It was then that we walked up and talked to the mayor for 10 minutes. When we walked away she said I guess you did know the mayor. About a year later my wife and I were traveling through Washington D.C. and she said ""Wouldn'…

Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower's plane leave Washington DC? He was Edward Snowed-In.

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to weite a thank …

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status fro…

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

Some New Definitions lymph (v), to walk with a lisp. marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor. negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie. oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash. semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer boo…

A blonde was visiting Washington DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately she couldn't find it so she asked a police officer for directions ""Excuse me officer how do I get to the Capitol building?"" The officer replied ""Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."" She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same…

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says ""Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."" The Cuban waiter replies ""We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be …

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington D.C.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord USA they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down …