#maryland

In Maryland we can't legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

A Northern Virginian dies and wakes up in Hell He is surprised that Maryland can wake the dead.

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, ""Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"" The woman thinks to herself, ""No, not my brother! He's an idiot!"" She asks the doctor, ""Well, what's the girl's name?"" ""Denise."" replied the doctor. ""Wow that…

I made it into the National Pun Championship last year... I was selected from a radio contest when I called in and submitted a pun to win concert tickets. A week later after the concert they called the other winners and I back to compete for the Maryland Pun Playoffs. There were five of us in all, and I came out on top as the state's winner. I was pumped! One month later I was in the Regional Finals. The 50 states get divided into ten groups of five each, so I was up against the best pun-makers …

Topical Jokes for 6/20 (For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality) In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937. In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down,…

Q: What two states are opposites? A: Maryland and Misury

Good Pedigree The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. ""I want a dog of which I can be proud,"" she told the salesman. ""Does that one have a good pedigree?"" ""Miss,"" declared the clerk, ""if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us.""

Places I'd Rather Not Live - Paradox, New York - Crapo, Maryland - Boogertown, North Carolina - Spasticville, Kansas - Hellhole, Idaho - Purgatory, Maine - Girdletree, Maryland - Rabbithash, Kentucky

A pregnant woman A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them" The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." replied the docto…

An endangered species I am lamenting the extinction of a beloved species of joke, one doomed by advances in technology. Humorous anecdotes about changing lightbulbs will completely disappear within my lifetime. They will be gone forever. Our grandchildren will discover old remnants in books or historical Internet files and ask “Why did people call lights ‘bulbs,’ and why did they have to change them?” It will be like trying to explain old jokes about setting the “points” in a car engine. …

Did you hear what they named the plane that carried nurse #1 to Maryland? The Ebola gay

What do you call your ex-girlfriend in Maryland? Old bae.