[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes. I tell her it's not London she has to worry about. I just injured myself on a potato.

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse -Are you describing Chuck Norris? Yes