[1st day as criminal sketch artist] Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t.... Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Every time I use Twitter secretly at work and a colleague asks me why I'm laughing, "this pie chart is hilarious!" never sounds believable.

If you're new to Twitter from Facebook, you can just reply "Like" to all of my tweets. I'll understand

I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!