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A priest was celebrating the twentieth anniversary of his arrival in the parish. To mark the occasion, the church had staged a special event at the town hall, to be attended by various local dignitaries. Invited to make a little speech of his own, the priest admitted: "When I first came here, all those years ago, my immediate thoughts were what a terrible town this was. For example, although obviously I cannot reveal his identity, the very first person who entered my confessional told me how he

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Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that journeys seem shorter if you strike up a conversation with the person next to you." The little girl said: "Okay. What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said Obama. "What about the changes I should make to America?" "Yeah, that would be an interesting topic," she agreed. "But first let me ask you a question. A horse, a cow and a deer all ea

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A Scotsman had recently moved into an apartment in London. One day his mother phoned from Aberdeen and asked him how he was settling in. "It's not too bad," he said, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind, son, don't let them get to you. Simply ignore them." "Aye, that I do. I just keep playing my bagpipes." The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was scary. All those tracksuits and explosions

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a heathery hill in the Scottish Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass turned to him and said: "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit embarrassed, but finally he said: "If you must know, I was thinking how nice it would be if you gave me a wee kiss." So she kissed him. Afterwards, he once again lapsed into a pensive mood, prompting her to ask him: "What are you thinking now?" To which the lad grumbled: "Well, I was hoping

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Moses was praying to God to free his people when the voice of God rang out from the heavens. "Moses," he said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" asked Moses. God said: "If Pharaoh will not let my people go, I will send down a rain of frogs, a plague of locusts and a plague of flies, and I will turn rivers to blood. And if Pharaoh pursues you, I shall open a path for you in the Red Sea but then close it again to drown his army." "That would be really helpful," said Moses. "

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