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A Scotsman had recently moved into an apartment in London. One day his mother phoned from Aberdeen and asked him how he was settling in. "It's not too bad," he said, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind, son, don't let them get to you. Simply ignore them." "Aye, that I do. I just keep playing my bagpipes." The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was scary. All those tracksuits and explosions gave me flashbacks to when I was living in Glasgow. Frankie Boyle

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