#newfoundland

I used to be a comedian back in Newfoundland But I got sick of having to explain the jokes.

A Newfie family froze to death at a drive-in movie theater. They were watching ""Closed For The Season"" FYI Newfies are Canadians from Newfoundland. Newfie jokes are very similar to Polack jokes. Every region of the world has their ""Newfies"", and it's fun to find out what they are in different areas.

A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub. The bartender says, ""What'll it be?"" The Newfie says, ""Three pints of beer, please."" The bartender says, ""Are you waiting for someone else?"" The Newfie says, ""No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we went to a pub we would order three pints of beer, one for each of us, so we'd have something to remember our friendship by."" The bartender …

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. ""How's ya gettin' on today, sir"" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ""hello"" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. ""What are dose?"" Ask…

What do you call a dog cartographer? Newfoundland

A four hour flight... An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarmed. This is a modern three engine transport jet and we can fly safely with two engines. However, due to the loss of power, our 9:00 o'clock arrival time has been set back to 10:3…

Joining the Newfoundland Militia A young man joins the military and is asked to report for basic training. When he gets there, the army is having a mock battle outside on the field. After putting on his uniform, he reports to the armoury. The Sergeant explains that they are fresh out of guns but gives him a stick instead. ""Run around"", says the Sergeant ""aim your stick and if you say 'bangitty bang bang! the other soldier you've shot is required to lie down and play dead. Feeling like a fool,…

A guy starts working on an oil rig in Newfoundland ...he meets the boss of the company, is introduced to his duties and works hard for 3 months. His supervisor is impressed by his work and tells him: ""You've been working your ass off and deserve break, here are the keys to the company car, go into town and have yourself a good time"" The man goes into the small town off the coast and visits the only bar he sees. The bartender starts chatting with him and the man eventually asks: ""How is it for…

The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout ""bang, bang"". Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a…

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a bulimic dog Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso - an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever - the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly …

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. ""We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued,"" Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. ""This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parkin…

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says ""I want four budgies."" Salesman-certainly sir would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir what color would you like? We have yellow blue gr... Newfie - I don't care what color they are just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman - O.K. O.K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfound…

Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. ""Well boys the time is near and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea."" So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing the local front page read ""Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made however it is believed all wished to be buried at sea.""

The rose... There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines. After many years, he finds himself in the St. John's Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, …

98% of Canadians say "Oh shit!" on a slippery before going into the ditch. *The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: "Hold my beer and watch this!"* Merry christmas! **Don't drink and drive this holiday.**

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway. A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road. He radios headquarters to send in forensics. He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations. He approaches the rear of the vehicle and notices a severed leg on the trunk. ***** *- Leg on trunk* ***** He continues to the driver's side door. He sees…

Two newfies are robbing a house Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house. One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat" and go back to bed. When he meets his accomplice downstairs, who asks him what that noise was, he said "Dude we almost go caught, because i dropped a lamp and the guy woke…

What is James Bond called in Newfoundland? 007:30

Good old Newfies. Newfoundland Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub. The bartender says

Air tragedy in Newfoundland... A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway. A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.

98% of Canadians say ""Oh shit!"" on a slippery before going into the ditch. *The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: ""Hold my beer and watch this!""*