#st-peter

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..' St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask 'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shak…

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, ""However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven"". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, ""I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her"". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce. The next man comes up and says, ""I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her."" He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven. The next guy came up and said, ""I cheated on my wife alot"". He gets a sco…

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says ""Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be. The first spinster says, ""I want to be Sophia Loren;"" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, ""I want to be Madonna;"" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, ""I want to be Sara Pipalini."" St. Peter looks perplexed. ""Who?"" he says. ""Sara Pipalini"" replies the …

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde ""What is Easter?"" The blonde replies, ""oh, thats easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together and eats turkey."" ""Wrong"" says St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde and asks her the same question. She replies: ""Easter is the holiday when we put up a tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth o…

Kitty's Heaven St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says, ""I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."" Cat: ""Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."" St Peter: ""That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."" Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted…

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. ""Now if you will come with me I will show you your eternal dwellings"" said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house…

After a venerable career of endless stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate. ""So sorry about your untimely death"" he tells the director. ""But God himself has called you home. You see God wants you to direct a movie for Him."" The great man is humbled ""God wants ME to direct a film?"" ""Yes"" St. Peter tells him. ""And we'…

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and…

It seems that a devout good couple was about to get married but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married saying that it was what they had hoped for in life and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on for thirty years or so but…

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that …

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. ""Welcome to Heaven"" said St.Peter. ""Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see strangely enough we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."" ""No problem just let me in."" said the woman. ""Well I'd like to …

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture St. Peter asks ""How do these represent Christmas?"" ""They're Carol's.""

One day at the entrance to heaven St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first St. Peter ran to God and said ""God there are some evil thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"". God replied ""Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."" St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling ""God God they're gone they're gone!"" ""Who the New Yorkers?"". ""No the Pearly…

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also I want all the women to go with St Peter."" Said and done the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. ""Y…

This 85 year old couple having been married almost 60 years had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ""oohed and aahed"" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's free"" Peter replied ""this is Heaven."" Next they went out …

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. ""This reminds me of Finnegan"" remarked one. ""What about Finnegan?"" inquired the other. ""'Tis a story that Finnegan died and when he greeted St. Peter he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well Finnegan' said St. Peter 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure' said St. Peter 'just wait a mi…

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says ""get in get in!"" The religous man replies "" no I have faith in God he will grant me a miracle."" Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high another boat comes to rescue him but he turns down the offer again cause ""God will grant him a mirac…

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. ""What sort of accountant are you?"" says St Peter ""Public Practitioner"" is the reply. ""Name?"" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. ""Oh yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span"" says St Peter. ""How can that be?"" says the accountant. ""I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"" ""No that's impossible. "" ""Why do you say that?"…

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. ""Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"" ""I was a policeman"" he responded. ""What kind of policeman?"" St Peter asked. ""I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."" ""Wonderful my son welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."" A few moments later a second man walks up. ""Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"" ""I was a policeman"" he responded. ""What kind of…

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. ""Who goes there?"" inquired St. Peter. ""It's me Bill Clinton"". ""What bad things did you do on earth?"" Clinton thought a bit and answered ""Well I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied but I didn't commit perjury."" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied ""OK here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be the…

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. ""Sorry but you can't take your wealth with you."" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappear…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks ""Religion?"" The man says ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list and says ""Go to room 24 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says ""I can understand there being different rooms for d…

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. ""Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?"" he asks one of the men who had been a butler. ""I was a good father"" he answers. ""Yes but you were a drunk all your life. In fact you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."" St. Peter then turned to the next man a carpenter and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care …

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them and said ""I'm sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."" ""Great!"" said the first guy ""I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"" ""No problem"" replied St. Peter and POOF! The guy was gone. ""And what do you want to be"" St. Peter asked the other guy. ""I'd like to be one cool stud!"" was the reply. ""Easy"" replied St. Peter and the ot…

Recently a teacher a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked ""What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."" The teacher answered quickly ""That would be the Titanic."" St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn't *real…