#st-peter

Three men die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven. He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a Ferrari for your loyalty.” St. Peter then asks the second man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “I did once and regret it to this day!” St. Peter says,…

Three men are standing at the pearly gates... St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously kn…

Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward. "What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint. "I was a comedian," the first man said. "Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?" "I told Jewish jokes." The man replied. "That's horrible!" Exclaimed Peter. "It's a terrible sin to discriminate against others." "With respect," the man replied, "I am Jewish. I was born in Brooklyn after my…

Father John's Worst Round of Golf Father John woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So ... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father John headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up o…

The pope dies and goes to heaven He arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks "What is your name?". The pope, expecting a warm welcome, reacts surprised. "I'm the pope!", he says. St Peter looks into his book but cannot find an entry for the pope. "I'm the head of catholic church, surely you must know me!" says the pope. St Peter doublechecks but can't find anything at all. The pope insists he should be more than welcome in heaven, so after a while, St Peter …

So Jesus is walking by the pearly gates... ...when St. Peter calls him over and asks if he can take over for a bit so that he can use the bathroom. Jesus agrees, what harm could there be in it. So after a while, an old man who looks slightly familiar to Jesus walks up to be judged. "What's your name sir?" Jesus asked. The old man replied "I suppose in your language it would be Joseph". Intrigued, Jesus then asked him "And what was your occupation sir?" "I was a carpenter." The old man repl…

Einstein, Picasso and George W. Bush stand before the Pearly Gates Einstein, Picasso and Bush stand before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter gets out to greet them and says: "I'll let you in, but first you have to prove that you are who you say you are." Einstein: "That's easy. Could you give me a blackboard and some chalk, please?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, a blackboard and chalk appear, and Einstein writes a few formulas while explaining the theory of relativity. "I believe you, it really is…

A lawyer arrives at the pearly gates... St. Peter says "good lad! Let me welcome you to heaven! You shall live in a house made of gold, with a yard as far as the eye can see and other luxuries you can imagine!" So the lawyer went in happily. Then, a priest arrives. He thought "for sure, I will get something better than the lawyer, as I am a man of God!" But st. Peter says,"welcome! Make your way down the road to the left, and you'll get a standard house as the others." Outraged, the priest aske…

A bus full of ugly people crashes A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the las…

The Hen Joke Sorry if this is a retread, but I've always liked this one... Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall figure standing at the foot of the bed. “Who are you??” Dave demands. The figure doesn’t reply. Dave rubs his eyes, and suddenly he realizes he’s no longer in his bedroom. He sees stars, …

Three nuns died... ...and found themselves standing before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. "Before I can let you in," said Peter, "you'll each have to answer one question." The first nun stepped forward and Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man?" "Adam," answered the nun. And immediately bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she entered into heaven. The second nun stepped forward. "What was the name of the first woman?" St. Peter asked.…

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise... Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven. When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, "Look, I can't be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All soccer players are simple, pure people and when they die, they all go to heaven. Heaven is full of soccer players." "I thank you for your sincerity," replied Satan "but don't worry, we can defen…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven... ...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life." The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off." St. Peter: "You really did th…

Three man dies and goes to heaven.. Three man dies and goes to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use in heaven according to their deeds. First man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married for?" "20 years" answered the first man. "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "5 times" He said.. "So be it" answered St. Peter, "You may enter, but you will receive only a Toyota Corolla" Second man arrives, St. Peter asks the same ques…

An engineer dies... An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life. "I'll take it up with the boss," says St. Peter. "But it will be a few weeks before we get an answer, and until then you'll have to stay in hell." Two weeks later, after the case has been gone ov…

Vote wisely in November HEAVEN AND HELL While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from…

A couple just wanted to get married. On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, an…

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning. His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church. The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it. St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He…

Being very religious the young couple.... ....find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs t…

Second chances. A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers them a second chance. He will send them back to earth and they will live as long as they don't indulge is their favorite sin. Before they go back to earth they are told the last perso…

Satan's engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan…

Only men who wear the pants go to heaven. I am translating this joke from Spanish so pardon any errors. There is a terrible accident and 100 couples were killed. They find themselves in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter decides to divide the group into two and declares: "Every man who wore the pants in the relationship stand on the left line, and all the men who let their women boss you around stand on the right." Much to his surprise, 99 men stand on the right. St. Peter …

Christmas joke! (A little late I know) Three men die on Christmas Day. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter just feels awful. He says "Alright guys I hate you died on Christmas Day, so to make up for it, I'll let you right in if you have anything on you that has any Christmas symbolism." So the first man checks his pockets and pulls out a lighter. St. Peter asks, "What is that supposed to symbolize?" The 1st man replies, "It's a Christmas candle." St. Peter acknowledges it and let's him t…

Four nuns die and appear at the pearly gates. Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way. They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water. St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once. "Which hand?" "My left hand" "…

The Redneck Poet Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a magnificent, graceful poem and was let in the gates. Then the redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?'' The Redneck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the red…