#st-peter

Three Nuns cross the road... They get hit by a bus, die and go to heaven. They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter is there waiting for them. As they line up, St. Peter says "Right ladies, in order for you to get into heaven you must answer a question each." The Nuns nod and agree. St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks "Who was the first man on earth?" the first nun replies "That's easy, Adam!" "Correct, collect your wings and halo and come on in" St. Peter turns to the second nun and a…

A priest and a lawyer get into a lethal car accident together and show up at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and starts reading off their qualifications for getting into Heaven. He starts with the priest. "You've lived your entire life for God. You've never sworn or taken His name in vain. You've never lied, cheated, nor stolen. You prayed everyday and changed many lives through your sermons and actions..." The list goes on for a quite a while. Finally, Saint Peter finishes and says: …

3 guys die and go to heaven... St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and handed him the keys to a brand spanking new Ferrari. The next man stepped forward and said, "I cheated on my wife just once. It was the biggest regret of my life, and I sti…

Nuns in heaven A large monastery burns down and all the nuns suddenly appear before St. Peter at the pearly gates. They form a line so they can be admitted one by one. The first nun approaches Peter and after giving her name, the Patron Saint asks one question "Sister have you ever broken your vow of celibacy or been impure in any way?" "No," she replies "although I did once accidentally see a young monk as he was changing his robes." "Very well" says Peter "wash your eyes with this holy water …

The Priest and the Politician A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be. First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely…

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks. St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 seconds, which means she has lied three times in her life. Bill Cosby's clock just went forward a second, which means he just lied." After some looking around, the gu…

One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter... One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward so…

A zebra dies and goes to Heaven... A zebra dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he sees St. Peter. - **SP**: *Is there anything you would like to know before you enter Heaven?* **Z**: *You know, St. Peter, my whole life I've lived with this burden of never knowing the answer to one question: Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?* **SP**: *Go, my friend, and as the Lord God Himself to give you the answer to that question. He will give you what you …

There's only one rule in heaven Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends shrug it off, "How hard could it be to not step on a duck!?" St Peter let them in and they were surprised to see that heaven was full of ducks, "What the hell?" Ted …

A Republican meets St. Peter at the heaven's entrance. A Republican senator, having just died, appears in Heaven, where he runs into St. Peter at the entrance. The Republican is opening the gates, when Peter declares, "Not so fast..." "I take it," Peter continues, "that nobody has explained the procedure to you yet..." "What's the procedure?" asks the Republican. "Everyone who has just made it to the afterlife," Peter continues, "has to spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, so that t…

Jesus was set in charge of pearly gates of St. Peter for a few minutes. One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agrees and in a few minutes he sees an old old man approach. The old man walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of peo…

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven... One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches. "What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks. "Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy." "Your son?" asks Jesus "Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name wil…

A man died and went to heaven... A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. …

3 men die and meet outside the pearly white gates of heaven. (This joke is an adaptation, made from [these](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yw7dl/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/) two [jokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1op0wo/so_3_men_die_and_go_to_heaven/).) the 3 men; A Physicist, a Philosopher and a Local town idiot stand before the gates of heaven. Between them and the gates stands St. Peter. St. Peter tells the three men "Sorry boys, but it seems heaven is getting jam-packed. …

Three girls die and go to heaven... They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck an…

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates. A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. The poor scientist has never believed but was a good man, so St. Peter is conflicted. He eventually decides to send the man to Hell. He is initially very frightened because, well, it's hell, but he eventually gets used to the place and makes the most of it. Using his scientific knowledge, in 25 years Hell is equipped with escalators, TVs, and even air condi…

Three men go to heaven, and St. Peter says they are full.... ...so they are transported down to hell. The devil, being a reasonable guy, apologizes for the mistake, and promises to set each man up with a room filled with whatever they want. The first man asks for a room full of chocolate, which the devil procures, and closes the door behind him. The second man asks for a room full of beautiful women, the devil agrees, and shows him into the room. The third man requests a room full of Marijuana.…

3 nuns are at the pearly gates... St Peter greets them saying "Sisters of the faith! I have some bad news. Due to the current state of the world, there is a lineup to get into heaven. But since you devoted your lives to the Lord, I have a special surprise for you! You all get to go back to Earth until we can get you in past the gates! And the best part is, because you lived a life of sacrifice and poverty, we will let you return as any famous or rich person you want! Isn't that great?!" He loo…

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the polit…

All Men Go to Heaven... ...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long. St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!" To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Engineer In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up …

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these …

Engineer goes to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that." The engineer thinks for a moment, an…

Three Nuns get into Heaven Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said "Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each" One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?" "Well that would be Adam" she said. Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in. The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?" "Well that would be Eve" she…

Three women die and go to heaven... St. Peter greets them at the gate and says "We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to not step on any of the ducks." The women thought this was a strange rule, but they went in anyway. When they entered they could see there were many ducks covering the ground and it would be very hard to not step on a duck. They tried not to step on any ducks but eventually the first woman stepped on one. St. Peter came to the woman and told her that her punishment for …