#st-peter

The Re-incarnation of Ralph Ralph came stumbling home; drunk again after another late night at the local pub. He slid quietly into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He was awoken by a bright golden light, and he found himself standing before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You have died in your sleep Ralph. You drank yourself to death... You're in Heaven now. Welcome my son." Ralph was stunned. "WAIT! I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.…

Reincarnation Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them. "You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life. "Well..." says St. …

A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man all die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they may stay in heaven, but only if they can resist their favorite earthly temptations. The three men agree and begin to walk through paradise. They soon come to a McDonald's. The fat man begins to run toward it and disappears. The two remaining men continue walking. They soon come upon a $100 bill laying on the ground. The rich man bends down to pick i…

At the Pearly Gates An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, "You know, there is one thing. I'd love to see what hell is like for the sinners. I have spent my entire life warning them about their ways, so I'd like to see them in their just reward. I would really …

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham L…

Ducks in Heaven Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your pun…

A man and two women die and go to heaven They reach the pearly gates, where St. Peter greets them and has them sign some legal papers. They are confused, but sign anyway, eager to get to paradise. As they finish, St. Peter points to the last paragraph of the papers, saying, "Pay special attention to that provision. Do NOT step on a duck." The three are confused, and think it's just a joke so they smile and nod. The gates are opened and they enter heaven, realizing heaven is just FILLED with d…

What is Easter? As told to me by a priest when I was little: Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?" The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents." Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas." The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put …

Three friends die and go to heaven (Change the names in this if you want to) Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in. The second they enter they realize that the final ru…

Holy Water One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day. The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed. St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins. The third sinner snickered. St …

Three men appear in heaven Three men appear in heaven at the same time. They approach the pearly gates when they're stopped by St. Peter. "Woah, woah, woah! Sorry, heaven's been a bit busy today and we're starting to get overcrowded. The Big Man told me I'm only allowed to let people who died sad deaths in today. If you can tell me how you died, and I think it's pitiful enough, I'll let you in." "I'll tell my story first," says one man. "So, I'd been pretty certain lately that my wife had bee…

3 nuns die and go to heaven 3 nuns die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the golden gates. St. Peter said “You each have to answer 1 question. If the answer is right you can enter heaven and if you answer wrong you go straight to hell.” He calls the first nun and asks “Who did God make first?” Very happily she answers “Oooh that’s an easy one. God made Adam” Trumpets blast, the golden gates open and she walks in. Then St. Peter calls the second nun and asks “Who did God make second?”…

Donald Trump dies and goes to heaven... He soon reaches the pearly gates, and is greeted by St. Peter himself. Donald notices a wall of clocks behind St. Peter, some of them ticking, and some are not, and asks, "What's with all the clocks?" St. Peter replies, "These are Lie-Clocks, every person on Earth and in Heaven has one, and they tick once every time you tell a lie. Over here we have Sylvia Brown's, which is moving once every 2 seconds. On the other hand, Mother Teresa's Lie-Clock has not…

Heaven or Hell .... While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the highe…

A cowboy appears before St. Peter. A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ri…

An HR manager was knocked down by a bus... An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.” “Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?” “Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let y…

Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two…

An engineer dies and goes to heaven... He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'. So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system. God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a …

A redditor dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates He says "We have chosen to let you spend a day in heaven, and a day in hell. Which do you choose first?" The redditor says "Can't I just choose heaven? I see this joke on the front page of /r/jokes every other week!"

Separate but equal? A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven. St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist neighborhood” The neighborhood is gorgeous; perfectly manicured lawns, each house is distinct but perfectly nice, kids are playing in the yards, people having a picnic in the town squa…

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening. St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them. Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife. Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife. The next room, however, is pas…

Hilary Clinton dies While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says Hillary Clinton. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What …

Importance of Audience Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. The moment the Associate Priest left the room, Father Murphy headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.Setting up on the first tee,…

Can we get married? On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two mo…

The hero Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry. "Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?" Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor gir…