#st-peter

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

Praying and Sleeping Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man…

Heaven and the Ducks A man dies and is sent to meet St. Peter at the gates of heaven. There he sees St. Peter standing in front of a field of ducks. The man asks what the ducks are for and St. Peter tells him that if he steps on a duck he will be paired in heaven with an ugly women, however if he can make it through the field he will be rewarded with a beautiful women at his side for all of eternity. The man carefully begins his trek across the field of ducks and after a few close calls, he ma…

A man arrives in heaven. He's met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who consults his book and tells the man that his sins weigh almost evenly against his righteousness and the angel is having a hard time deciding whether to let him into heaven. "Listen," says St. Peter. "Tell me of a selfless act you performed to convince me you are truly good." So the man says, "Well I was driving across the state one time and I saw a group of bikers dragging a screaming woman off road, away from her car. I …

I Made It To Heaven. A woman dies and goes to heaven, she approaches the pearly gates and says "I finally made it to heaven" St. Peter says "Not yet, first..you have to spell a word" She says "What word?" St. Peter says "Any word" so the woman says "Love and spells it L-O-V-E..St Peter says "Welcome to heaven" he then says" I have something I have to do, would you watch the gate?" the woman says what do I have to do" St. Peter says "Just do what I've been doing" so she says "OK"...a few minutes…

Pearly Gates A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, …

A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's cl…

Three men die and go to heaven Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon." St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third…

'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them. "You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another…

Three men go to heaven... They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too m…

I remembered this joke while studying for exams. God and st peter decide to do their rounds around a college campus. While looking around the dorms, they see a group of students earnestly studying for their final exams the next day. God looks at St Peter and tells him to fail each one of them. St. Peter is a little bewildered, but he dares not doubt the judgement of God. Moments later, they pass by a dorm full of drunk students, partying before their final the next day. God takes a look at them…

Chet the chicken Chet came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Chet'" Chet was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Chet was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing…

The problem with getting married in heaven.. On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and find out," and he leaves. The couple sits around for a couple of months a…

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates... St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu". The poets think for a moment, then finally Robert Frost speaks first. "With such little time, I can only come up with this....". He then continues. …

Engineers and Lawyers One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says…

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates.. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He…

HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't …

3 friends die and go to heaven... Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he replies "to get around heaven. You see, heaven is big and vast. You need something to get around. Everyone gets a mode of transportation fitting to the infidelity they co…

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . . "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49." "49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83." "How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks. "We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

My favorite "pearly gates" joke. Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and, one at a time, St. Peter asks them to recount their deaths for him. The first man replies, "I just knew that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act! I searched the apartment, and sure enough, there he was hanging from our balcony. I pried that bastards fingers loose, and watched him fall all 16 floors. He went through an awning, and survived the fall, so I picked up the mini …

A lawyer dies... A lawyer dies and shows up at the pearly gates for accounting. As he walks up he shouts "Why did I have to die so young?? I was in my prime!" St Peter replies "Well, I don't think 89 is really so young." The lawyer replied "What? I'm only 36 years old. I was healthy, I ate well, I had no reason to die." St Peter looks at his ledger and says "Nope. It says right here you turned 89 three months ago. You do look a bit young... AHH! There is where the confusion is. You see,…

Diesel Fitter. Two men died and are in the queue to enter heaven. St Peter is out the front informing people of a change in entry policy. "Alright lads, there's been a bit of a shift in protocol. Due to the current economic climate, we can only let in people who are going to be useful around here. Anyone else is going to have to chill in limbo 'till it all sorts itself out." The first man approaches. "So what did you do before you so tragically passed on?" "Diesel Fitter" "Fantastic! We co…

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates ...Doing his daily duties, welcoming those who've recently passed on from a life on Earth into Heaven, when he realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and he asks if he could take his post, and guard the Gates for five minutes. "Certainly!," says Jesus. "Just tell me what I need to do!" "Well, when people arrive, ask them about their background, and what was important to them on Earth. Once you've heard their response, you will decide wh…

Bob the chicken Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he kne…

A joke my Dad says every Easter 3 Italians die and go to Heaven, but are stopped at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter questions the authenticity of these three mens' religious beliefs, so he decides to put them to the test. . "Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter, my children?" he asks. "If you can explain this to me, your passageway into Heaven is secured. If not, well…" . The first Italian confidently approaches St. Peter. (Insert stereotypical Italian accent) "Well a'sir, isn't…