#arthur

ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or

Nursing home Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed. Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.' Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to doing this for him. Every night they sit in the garden watching the sunset with her just holding his manhood. Then one day she goes to meet him in the garden but finds Gloria, a new resident, in…

Design Fault Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, ""Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."" Davidson thinks about it and says, ""I wanna hang out with God, Himself."" The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, ""Hey, aren't you t…

A man is sick and tired of his marriage... so he decides to have his wife killed. He goes into a bar in a shady bit of town and asks the barman ""Know anyone who can get someone... you know... *sorted out* for me?"" The barman directs him to Arthur, sitting in a corner on his own. The man goes over and asks if he's Arthur, who replies ""Call me Arty"" ""I need you to get rid of my wife"" ""Ok, tell me where and when"" ""She'll be at Walmart, at about 4 pm tomorrow, wearing jeans, a green t shirt…

King Arthur was leaving Guinevere in care of Sir Lancelot while he left on extended buisness. He incased her nether regions with a stout chastity belt, entrusting the key to Sir Lancelot. After Arthur had proceeded a short distance down the road, Lancelot galloped up in a great hurry ""King Arthur!"" he exclaimed, ""You gave me the wrong key!"".

Arthur tells his mother: ""So, can you guess which one of the girls I introduced you to today is my girlfriend?"" Without missing a beat the mother replies ""The one wearing a green dress."" Surprised Arthur then says ""Woa mother...that's very good, she's the one. So...how did you know?"" Mother: ""Because that was the only one I didn't like...""

King Arthur is heading off to war, but he's a bit worried about Guinevere alone in the castle with some rowdy knights. So he goes to Merlin who shows him a chastity belt. The problem is it has a large hole in the most important spot. ""This won't work,"" he says. Just then Merlin takes a stick and inserts it through the hole. Whap! A blade comes down and cuts the stick in half. ""Perfect,"" he says. After the King returns he lines up all the knights and makes them drop their britches. Everyone i…

An excerpt from ""So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish"" (Adams Chp20). A brief story about biscuits. ""I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is equally possible,"" he added after a moment's reflection, ""that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."" ""Get on with it."" Fenchurch laughed. ""So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."" ""You do the crossword?"" …

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob.... So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mobsters ""taken care of"" as soon as possible. Arthur agrees, reluctantly, and asks how he can find these guys. The mob boss informs Arthur that his targ…

he just loves golf Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. ""That's it,"" he tells his wife. ""I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."" His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, ""Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."" ""That's no good,"" sighs Arthur. ""Your brother's a hundred an…

The Biscuit Thief ""This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train, This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible,"" he added after a moment's reflection, ""that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."" ""Get on with it."" Fenchurch laughed. ""So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went t…

Big Artie There once was a Hitman named Big Artie. Things were tough in the Underworld at thew time, what with the Financial Crisis lately and such, the market hasn't been kind to his business. Because of this, he decides that he needs to put down the prices - It's been months since he'd had a job and his family was struggling. He takes the price down to $10 000 a hit to $5 000, but still no-one's coming through the door. He drops it to $1 000, then to $500, $100, $50, $20, $5 and still no-one c…

The Silent Knight So everybody know about King Arthur and the knights of the round table, but not everybody has heard about the Silent Knight of the round table. Here is a tale to tell: A couple years after the round table was established the King went on another campaign. But there is a problem: he has a beautiful wife and he can't afford to leave her undefended in the castle right? Arthur chose from his personal army, 12 of his strongest, best looking and most trusted knights to stay behind an…

God's Flawed Design The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, ""Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ""I want to hang out with God."" St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, ""Hey, aren't you…

Arthur and the nun Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. ""You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. ""How do *you* know, Sister?"" ""My Mother Superior told me so"" ""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How ca…

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, ""Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."" Davidson thinks about it and says, ""I wanna hang out with God, Himself."" The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, ""Hey, aren't you the inventor o…

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young…

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young A…

At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies ""My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!""

Knock Knock Who's there ! Arthur ! Arthur who ! Arthene you in the butchers haven't I ?

Why did Arthur have a round table ? So no one could corner him !

King Arthur and the Witch Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most kn…

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"... Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who i…

HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't …