#st-peter

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi Paul. Tell me when you died how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me Paul what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi Roger. Tell me when you died how much were you earning? Roger: 60…

Three people die a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor 'you may go in.' St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did she replied I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.' St. Peter asked the third man 'what did you do?' The man hung his …

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated Peter says ""Look everybody does somethin…

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. ""Very well"" said the gatekeeper of Heaven. ""But you realize I hope that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."" ""I know and that's all right"" Satan answered unperturbed. ""We've got all the umpires.""

An American a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. ""Well"" said the American ""I remember the crash and then there was a beautiful light and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter appr…

Three nurses went to heaven and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said ""I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."" St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says ""I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose…

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. ""Welcome to Heaven"" said St. Peter. ""Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see strangely enough w…

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road which turns into a platinum road which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says here is your home for the rest of eternity enjoy! And if there is anything you…

Racist St. Peter Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks …

Zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up an…

An Engineer goes to heaven An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer". But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is nice but seems dull. Hell, on the other hand, has all sorts of problems that an engineer can enjoy fixing so the engineer decides to go to Hell instead. Some time later God, bein…

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"... Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who i…

Two women died at the same time. Both women had lived good christian lives. They both found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter said that they were shoe-ins to heaven, but they each had to answer one question in order to get in. He asks the first woman "What was the name of the first woman?" "That's easy, she says. Her name was Eve." Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven. To the second woman St.…

Jack and Will are driving home together... ...on the way home they get in a car crash and both die. Jack ends up at the pearly gates without Will. Jack walks up to St. Peter and says, "where is my good friend Will." St. Peter says, "Sorry, but will didn't make it to heaven. Jack asks if he can see Will one last time. St. Peter parts the clouds and Jack looks down into hell and sees Will with a keg in one arm and a beautiful blonde is the other. Jack turns to St. Peter and says, "you know,…

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates... ...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven." The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven. The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open. The third nun steps up…

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked? Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged. “Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with ‘T.’” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, hi…

Three friends die and go to heaven *Edited for spelling* [The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor] Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they…

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven... St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven. The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots." So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 an…

A meeting at the Pearly Gates St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first p…

A college professor dies... A college professor dies, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is met by St. Peter. Peter tells the professor that he can choose to go to Heaven or Hell. The Professor, somewhat confused, asks to see Hell first. St. Peter takes him there. He sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards nonstop. He then asks to see Heaven. Again, he sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards. The Professor says that they seem the same. St. Peter replies "Ah, but in Hea…

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then …

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven... The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?" St. …

A guy dies and gets to the pearly gates where st peter asks him "son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth" the guy thinks for a minute and replies "well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, spat in his face and told him to leave the poor girl alone" st peter is quite impressed with this and says "well done my son, and when exac…

A man dies and goes to heaven ...and when he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Come, good sir, tell me how you died, so I may deem whether you deserve to enter eternal paradise." The man replies "Alright, I'm not proud of it, but here goes. I lived in Washington, D.C. I had a beautiful wife, and lived on the seventh floor of a swanky high-rise apartment building. One day I get off of work early; just after lunch. I come home, and as I approach my appartment door, I hear sounds of fran…

Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash... So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die. They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter says to the first priest, "I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy." Off they go to hell. St. Peter then addr…