#st-peter

Three nuns, a postulant, a novitiate, and the mother superior, are driving and get in a car wreck. All three die and go to heaven. Before St. Peter lets them in, he says that to get into heaven, you have to answer one question. He looks to the postulant and says, ""because you're the youngest you get the easiest question. Who was the first human ever created by God?"" The postulant gives a sigh of relief and says, ""Thats easy, obviously it was Adam."" St. Peter opens the gates for her and respo…

Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven... Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, ""$300,000, I was a lawyer."" Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. ""$75,000"" the second man replied, ""I was a salesman."" Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the third man sheepishly replied, ""Around $6000, I..."" Peter interrupted the man, exclaiming, ""OOOOOOH, what instrument did you play?!"" (I hear…

Three Blondes Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. . The first blonde said, ""Easter is a holiday where tehy have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."" . St. Peter said, ""Nooooooo,"" and he banished her to hell. . The second blonde said, ""Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."" St. Peter said, ""Noooooo,"" and he banished her to hell. . Th…

A man walks into a pub... ... And orders his regular ale from the landlord. The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door. ""That's very strange"" exclaims the landlord, ""let me get you another"". So the landlord pours him another pint, places it carefully on the bar, and the man again reaches out to take it. Again, the dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs for the door. ""How very…

Two brothers die in a tragic car accident One is compassionate and sincere, and his soul drifts up to heaven. The other is cruel and malevolent, and his soul is dragged down to hell. The brother in heaven spends his days sitting on a cloud listening to St. Peter play the only song he knows on the harp. The brother in hell spends his days hooting and hollering among the wicked souls, with a woman on his knee and a bottle of whiskey in his hand. One day the two brothers meet in purgatory, and the …

Statistician joke An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician all die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you. He turns to the engineer and asks, ""What's 2 + 2""? The engineer pulls out his slide ruler, fumbles it around and says, ""3.9999"". St. Peter is fine with this answer and says, ""Come on in"". He then turns to the physicist and asks the same question, ""What's 2 + 2?"" The phys…

A Pope and a Jewish Accountant die... So a Jewish accountant and the Pope die at the same time, and arrive at the pearly gates simultaneously. So St. Peter takes the two of them to where they will be staying for the rest of eternity. Peter leads the accountant to a huge palace, with dames and a heavenly garden. He then leads the Pope to a little shack. The Pope says, ""After all of my life's dedication, I get this?"" And St. Peter says, ""Your Holiness, we have many Popes up here, but this is th…

You and your two friends die in car crash... At the gates of heaven. St. Peter explains that everyone will get a partner in heaven to fit your desires but the quality is depending on how good you behaved on earth. The first friend steps up to the gate: ""-You have sinned moderately so you will get a moderate looking partner."" Next friend steps up: ""-You have sinned less than your friend here, so you'll get this good looking partner."" Finally it's your turn and a absolutely gorgeous babe is ap…

Dead Pakistani The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes. St. Peter: ""What do you want? "" Pakistani man: ""I'm here for Jesus."" St. Peter: ""Jesus, your taxi's here!! ""

Hitler arrives at the Pearly Gates... ...and says to St Peter, ""Sorry about the whole Jew thing."" St Peter replies, ""You did your best.""

Stepped On a Rabbit This is best told in a group and using two others as part of the story. One time, ""Greg"", "" Tom"", and I were headed to a party when our car flew off the road...killing us all. We show up to the gates of heaven where we're greeted by a puzzled St. Peter. ""I don't know what's going on here,"" he says. ""You're all in the book, but you're way early. Let me go talk to the big guy and see what he says."" After a while he comes back and tells us we can go in, but under one con…

Three old men die and go to heaven... ...and St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity. He looks to the first man and says ""You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and went to church every Sunday. Well done, sir. Here's the keys to your Rolls Royce."" He looks to the second and says ""You were a decent bloke, more or less. Had a bit of …

A gay guy arrives to the gates of heaven... St. Peter tells the gay guy: ""You can't come in yet, you must go back to earth, take this pill and I will see you here when you die again."" The gay guy goes back to earth and takes the pill as instructed. A couple minutes later he starts having really bad diarrhea. He was shitting for hours at the time until he started bleeding and died due to the loss of blood. Right after he dies he's back in the gates of heaven and St. Peter says: ""NOW YOU KNOW W…

Drunken reincarnation James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake up. He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. ""Who the hell are you,"" demanded James, ""and what are…

Hurricane Katrina An old gentleman from New Orleans gets to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says to him ""You have to pick one story that describes your life and that is the only story you may tell for all of eternity."" The man thinks about it and decides he is going to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina. He looks at St. Peter and says ""I wish to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina and the great flood that nearly destroyed my town."" St. Peter looked at him and ""my son, that is…

A priest dies... And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black clothing, has greasy slicked back hair and a overall punky attitude. He responds is a thick, NY accent, "" Yo yo my name is Joe. I'm a taxi cab driver from New York."" St. Peter finds …

A penguin arrives at the pearly gates St. Peter greets the little fellow, and shows him around. The little penguin waddles after St. Peter attentively and listens to every word he has to say. At the end St. Peter asks ""Do you have any questions?"" The little bird hesitates, but then he musters up the courage and asks ""St. Peter, all my life I have wondered...am I black, or am I white?"" St. Peter just shakes his head and tells him that he doesn't know either and that they have to ask the 'big …

St Peter, at the pearly gates receives a new candidate to heaven... ... and asks this soul what he used to do when he was alive. ""Well, I used to smoke pot A LOT, like everyday, so that's it."" St Peter is not amused because he does not know what pot is. ""Pot dude.. Weed, MJ, Marijuana, Grass, Dope..."" Still, St Peter never heard of it and tells the dead soul to wait a minute, for he will ask something to the boss. He goes to God's office to ask what Weed was and was surprised to see that eve…

Bruce Springsteen... after a long successful life finally dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, ""Bruce! We're so glad you're finally here! God's a big fan, you know."" Bruce, of course, is flabbergasted. ""Really?"" ""You bet! In fact, he's arranged to have the whole E Street Band reunited up here for you."" ""The old band? That's great! I've missed those guys so much."" ""Not only that,"" St Peter goes on, ""there's a bunch of other guys who can't wait to ja…

A 50 year old woman dies and goes to heaven... Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter looks surprised and tries to find her name in the 'Death Book'. He doesn't find her name there and tells her, ' there must have been a mistake. You were not supposed to die, you still have 30 more years ahead of you. Since it was a mistake and it is unfair, I will send you back.' The woman wakes up and is really excited. She thinks that since she has 30 more years to live, why not get a facelift and feel …

Reddit army tell me all the jesus jokes you know! here is mine: St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. ""Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"" ""Sure,"" replied Jesus. ""What do I have to do?"" ""Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."" ""Sounds easy enough. OK."" So Jesus mann…

Jesus keeps an eye on the pearly gates. St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, ""I had a very sad life. I was a …

Paddy the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven... ...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to Paddy ""You may enter, Paddy, but first you must answer one question."" He then asks Paddy ""What is the the name of thy Lord?"" Paddy replies ""Harold."" ""Harold?"" asks St. Peter, ""How did you arrive at that?"" ""Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name"".

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them ""Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish."" He approaches the first ugly person and the man says ""I wish I was beautiful."" Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes ""I wish I was beautiful"", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and ha…

Three men stand at the gates of heaven St. Peter looks at the 3 men and says, ""in order to get around up here, you will all need a car. In heaven, we distribute cars to everyone based on how faithful you were to your spouse before you died. The first man tells St. Peter, ""I never as much as looked at another woman. I would never even think about being with anyone except my wife."" St. Peter nods and gives the first man a brand new Rolls Royce. The second man tells St. Peter, ""I was not a perf…