#st-peter

So a man dies and goes to heaven... When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked ""What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"" ""Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."" Impressed, St. Peter asked, ""Well, when was all this?"" ""Uh, about 5 minutes ago.""

Timbuktu Two gentlemen are sitting at the pearly gates waiting to speak with St. Peter. St. Peter asks them both to recite a poem using the word Timbuktu. They sat there for a bit and the first guy says ""While sitting on the ocean shore, listening to the ocean roar, I saw a ship passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu."" St. Peter smiled and allowed him through the gates. The second guy was having a very hard time coming up with a poem. After a long while he finally says ""Tim and I, a walk…

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying. These men were greeted by this angel who says to them ""You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."" So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arr…

The Pope dies. ...and stands in front of St. Peter. ""I would like to get into heaven. I am the pope."" ""The what?"" ""The pope. Vicar of God on earth."" ""Ehm... let me check that. I'll be back."" Pete to God: ""There is a guy outside, calls himself the pope."" ""The pope?"" ""Yeah, he says he is your Vicar on earth."" ""Hmmm. Never heard of him. Let's ask Jesus."" ""Son, do you know anything about a pope? He is standing in front of the gates and wishes to enter."" ""No idea... but I will talk…

Four nuns die in a bus crash... ... they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomes the nuns. He tells them that, while he understands they devoted their lives to God, everyone is still given a chance to repent their last Sins, and gestures towards a fountain of Holy Water. The first nun pulls St. Peter aside, and says ""Forgive me, St. Peter, for I have sinned. I have gazed at the unholy parts of a man."" St. Peter is slightly taken back -- I mean, this is a nun for crying out loud!…

3 men are in line to get into heaven St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up. Peter says, ""You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"" So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates. Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, ""Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"" He gets into his car and drives through the gates. Peter calls the third man up and s…

A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to them ""You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."" The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says ""Surely this fellow man of God served his people and his temple well, no matter…

Don't step on the ducks Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said ""Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck."" The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, ""Now you must stay handcuffed for all eterni…

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …

A man walks up to the pearly gates... ""What brings you here, sir?"" asks St. Peter ""An incredibly long and arduous fight with the big C"" replied the man. ""The big C?"" ""Cancer"" said the man, solemly. ""Well we have a space for you in gods kingdom, please enter and enjoy unknown spoils for all eternity"" said Peter, opening the gates. Just then a old lady appeared on the expanse of white clouds before Peter. ""What brings you here, my dear?"" ""St. Peter, I lived a long, happy life, but it …

Donald Trump's Clock It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks. ""What's up with those clocks, Peter?"" ""Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."" The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tell…

Heavenly Marital Help Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. ""Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."" Six months pass and Peter returns. ""Yes, we can do this for you."" The couple asks, ""Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"" To which St. Pet…

Be Fruitful and Multiply A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was greeted at the Golden Gate by St. Peter, who warmly shook his hand and asked him to sit down next to him. Looking over the dead-beat Dad's file, St. Peter frowned and shook his head sadly. ''Your record looks fine, except for one glaring item. Why the hell didn't you pay child support for your six kids?'' The man jumped up. ''Child support?! All God said in Genesis was 'Be fruitful and multiply.' He didn't say nothin' about…

Young couple getting married... On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out"" an…

A man dies and goes to Heaven A man dies and goes to heaven, he goes to the gates and meets St. Peter. He sees a wall of clocks and. Ask ""what's with all the clocks? They all have different times"" St. Peter replies ""they represent people's lies. The more they lie, the more they turn."" He looks around and sees a clock that never moved and asks ""whose clock is that, it looks like it's still"" St. Peter replies ""That's St. Theresa's, she's never told a lie."" He then sees a clock and asks ""w…

3 blokes died on christmas eve they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said ""sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you"" so he said to the scotsman ""what have you got?"" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell"" ""in to heaven you go my son"" he looked at the Englishman and said ""what have you got"" so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter s…

Long - 2 Poets Two men arrive at the pearly gates, each claiming to be famous poets. St. Peter cannot believe they both are poets, so he decides to give them a test. He tells them to compose a poem of 4 lines, with the last word being Timbuktu. He gives them 30 minutes. After the time is up, the first man approaches. He has on a tweed jacket, with patches on the elbows. His hair is combed, and he has a pipe in his teeth. He recites this poem: Across the hot Sarah sands Rode the dusty craven Man …

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the …

Joe dies... And when he arrives to the gates of heaven, St. Peter tells him: ""Well, Joe, you've been a good man your whole life, you deserve a second chance. I'll bring you back to life, but you can only choose between living as either a caterpillar it a chicken"" He thinks ""Hmmm... Well, if I were a caterpillar I'd get eaten by a chicken, I think it's better if I do the eating. I'll be a Chicken, Mr St. Peter!"" ""Very well"" said St. Peter as he threw Joe back to Earth, only now in chicken f…

A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute. The man saw a clock at straight up 12:00. He asked whose clock that was. St. Peter replied, Mother Theresa, she never told a lie. Another clock showed 12:02. He was told it belonged to Abe Lincoln. The man asked, where's Hillary'…

There was a loud hammering on the door of heaven. St. Peter appeared and said, ""I say, that's a tremendous racket. Who is making all the fuss?"" The shabby man standing there said, ""I'm Paddy McGinnis and I'm strong with the IRA these thirty years."" St. Peter said, ""I'm sorry, Mr. McGinnis, but we have no record of you. You can't come in."" ""And who is saying anything about coming in?"" said Paddy. ""I'm here a-tellin' you, you've got fifteen minutes to evacuate the place!""

The Price of Dismissal An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. ""Well, "" said the American, ""I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at t…

Looking for hubby at The Pearly Gates Mary Smith, a devout lady, passes and is transported toward heaven. She asks St Peter if he can re-unite her with her husband for eternity? Sure, that's what we do here. What is his name? Smith. First name? John. Mary, we have a lot of those. Do you remember his last words, that's how we file people. Sure, 'if you are ever unfaithful after I die, I will turn over in my grave."" Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!

Three Nuns die in a car crash, and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter stops them, stating ""Ladies, I appreciate your position, but there's a new policy in place from upstairs. To enter unto Heaven, you must demonstrate some knowledge of The Bible."" He asks the first Nun. ""Who was the first man?"" ""Oh! Adam, of course!"" she replies. ""You're in."" To the second ""Who was the first woman?"" ""Eve!"" ""Yep, you're in."" To the third, ""What's the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"…

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …