#st-peter

A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter.... SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life. BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years! SP: One of many. What else? BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys! SP: These things do not impress me. Uniqueness! BG: Damn....uh....well, I once made love to a white woman on a park bench during a Ku Klux Klan rally. SP: WOW! Really? Now THAT is ext…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'"" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the co…

Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven St. Peter is waiting for Bill Gates at the pearly gates of heaven ""Well Bill, you're not Christian, but since you've led a good life, I'll let you choose where you end up."" St. Peter shows Bill a video of heaven - people praising god, floating on clouds, etc. ""Eh, that place looks kind of boring. What else do you have for me?"" He then shows Bill a video of hell - a bunch of people playing video games and talking tech. ""That place looks awesome! I'll go the…

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, ""What are these clocks for?"" St. Peter replies, ""These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."" The man then asks, ""So where is George Bush's clock?"" St. Peter replies, ""Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it a…

A Zebra dies and goes to heaven While he's being checked in by St Peter, the zebra says ""Before I go in, I'd like an answer to one question I've always wondered about. Am I a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black stripes?"" St Peter says, ""That's a good question. Let me go ask God."" So St Peter goes inside, and comes out a few minutes later to announce ""God says ... You Are What You Are."" The Zebra looks confused, and asks ""What is that supposed to mean?"" St Peter sa…

Marrying in heaven... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates awaiting St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they straightforwardly ask him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and *wai…

Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, ""What…

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, ""I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"" The first priest says, ""I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."" ""So be it,"" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, ""Will you be keeping track of us…

There once was a rich man who was near death... There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. ""Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."" The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his we…

A man dies and goes to heaven St. Peter gives him a tour and asks him 'Well, what do you think?' The man says, 'Its terrific, everything I dreamed it would be. But who were those people sitting by themselves looking so unhappy?' 'Oh, those are the fundamentalists, they can't believe that they aren't the only ones here.'

Heaven is getting too full... So God tells St. Peter to only let in people with really sad deaths, so the first man walks up and says ""I live on the 30th floor of an apartment building and I suspected that my wife is cheating on me so I get off of work early and go home. When I get there I discover clothes on the floor and my wife is just sitting there, so I start searching the apartment because I know he's in there. Finally I go out on the balcony and I see someone hanging there by their hands…

A man and his girlfriend were walking down the street... as they're crossing the street they get hit by a drunk driver. In a blinding flash, the girlfriend finds herself standing in front of the Pearly Gates and is greeted by St. Peter ""Welcome to Heaven, Victoria, follow me!"" But before she moved a step she frantically asked the Saint ""My boyfriend, is my boyfriend here? His name is Chance Peterson!"" ""I'm sorry no, your boyfriend isn't here but you can always check in hell"" So Victoria le…

Jim, John, and Jack die, and meet St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them saying, ""Welcome to Heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we have one rule: don't step on a duck."" Amused, the three men laugh and agree. Once through the pearly gates, they look around them, and the place is positively flooded with ducks. They're absolutely everywhere, and it isn't long before Jim steps on one. As punishment, he is chained to an enormous, ugly, smelly woman for all eternity. John…

Einstein, Casals, Picasso, and George W. Bush die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them, and requests identification. Einstein, who is first in line, says ""I don't have any ID, but I can explain the equivalence of matter and energy."" He is given a blackboard and proceeds to give an eloquent explanation of one of his most famous theories. ""Only Einstein himself could explain this so well,"" says St. Peter. ""Step right in, professor. Next?"" Then Casals, who is next in line, says ""I…

A man dies and goes to heaven... St. Peter welcomes him and shows him many many clocks. ""There is a clock for every person on the Earth"" says St. Peter ""The hand moves a bit if the person lies. We even have all the politicians here. Obama, Bush and Trump."" ""And where is Hilary Clinton's clock?"" Asks the man. Peter answers: ""It's in my office, I use it as a fan.""

An engineer went to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. ""Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."" The engineer thinks for a moment, a…

A Man Dies A man dies and goes to heaven, and as he passes the gates a wall of clocks emerge. St. Peter appears, ""Welcome to heaven!"" he exclaims, the man still confused by the clocks asks, ""What are all these clocks doing in heaven?"" St. Peter explains, ""These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move one notch."" The man intrigued, points and asks, ""Whose clock is that?"" St. Peter replies, ""That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has no…

3 nuns die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the golden gates. St. Peter said ""You each have to answer 1 question. If the answer is right you can enter heaven and if you answer wrong you go straight to hell."" He calls the first nun and asks ""Who did God make first?"" Very happily she answers ""Oooh that's an easy one. God made Adam"" Trumpets blast, the golden gates open and she walks in. Then St. Peter calls the second nun and asks ""Who did God make second?"" Very happily she answers…

3 men meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates ...and he asks them how they died. The first man says, ""I died carrying children out of a burning orphanage"" and St. Peter welcomes him to Heaven. The second says, ""A burning beam fell on me as I was guiding the orphans out of the same fire"" and gets the same welcome. The final man says, ""I also helped get the children out of that orphanage"" and St. Peter asks him how he helped. ""I started the fire.""

Harry wakes up in heaven... Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. ""What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?"" he asked. ""This is not your bedroom,"" the man replied, ""I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."" ""WHAT? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young."" said Harry. ""If I'm dead, I want you to send me ba…

Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes them and says, ""Before you go in, I just need to mark down for my records how much money you made, and what you did as your profession while you were on Earth."" The first guy says, ""I made ten million dollars a year."" St. Peter says, ""Wow, that's very impressive! What did you do?"" The guy says, ""I was the head of a big finance firm that processed tons of money."" St. Peter writes this down, and tells the first man he …

Three men appear in heaven at the same time. They approach the pearly gates when they're stopped by St. Peter. ""Woah, woah, woah! Sorry, heaven's been a bit busy today and we're starting to get overcrowded. The Big Man told me I'm only allowed to let people who died sad deaths in today. If you can tell me how you died, and I think it's pitiful enough, I'll let you in."" ""I'll tell my story first,"" says one man. ""So, I'd been pretty certain lately that my wife had been cheating on me. I only …

3 nuns die in a bus crash St. Peter greets them in heaven, ""you've all lead exceptional lives resisting sin and serving the Lord. It's merely a formality, but I have to give you a short quiz before allowing you into heaven. I'll make it quick and easy."" To the first nun he asked, ""who was the first man?"" She answered, ""that's easy! Adam!"" The bells of heaven ring, the gates of heaven open, and she walks in. To the second, ""who was the first woman?"" ""That's easy! Eve!"" The bells of heav…

maggie thatcher goes to hell. Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. ""Name,"" says St. Peter. ""Margaret Thatcher,"" she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. ""I am sorry,"" he says, ""you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later the ph…

A teenage girl dies and goes to heaven... St Peter greets her and hands her a white dress. ""Put this on and go over there,"" he says. So the girl does as he says, and finds herself with a bunch of similarly dressed girls. ""What now?"" she asks. ""Just wait, says one of the other girls. While she's waiting, she counts the girls. There are 71 girls there, not including herself. As she finishes counting, a man walks up and introduces himself. ""Hello. My name is Osama bin Laden.""