#st-peter

Farrah Fawcett dies and St Peter is overwhelmed with her beauty. He says *You played an Angel on Earth, before you go to Heaven I'll give you one wish.* She says *I want you to save as many children as possible.* St Peter says, *Done* She asks what did he do. Then someone else says, *Wow Micheal Jackson just died.*

A cabbie and a priest are at the gates of Heaven... St. Peter invites the cabbie and the priest into his golf cart, to show them to their new residences. Although the cab driver had spent his life speeding, drinking and scamming, he was dropped off at a beautiful lakefront mansion. Seeing this, the priest thought to himself: ""if that's where he's ending up, I can't wait to see the place a good man of God like me will end up!"" (he was a genuinely good man, no nonsense) St. Peter kept driving, d…

A man dies in a car accident, and goes to Heaven When he walks past the Pearly Gates, he is greeted by St. Peter, and they walk into a house together. The man sees a wall with a bunch of clocks on it. He asks, ""What are all those clocks doing there?"" Peter replies, ""Those are *Lie Clocks*. Every time someone lies, the clock ticks once."" The man looks at his clock, and it reads about 1:15. After looking at all the clocks, he says, ""Uh, sir? Just asking, but where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"…

Easter joke Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, ""What is Easter?"" The blonde replies, ""Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..."" ""Wrong!,"" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, ""What is Easter?"" The second blonde replies, ""Easter …

Three blondes arrive at the gates of St. Peter There's a lot of openings in heaven, so St. Peter decides to give them an easy test. He says to them, ""If you can tell me what Easter is, you can come in"" The first blonde says, ""Easter is that time in November where we eat turkey and are really thankful!"" St. Peter was surprised by this, but nevertheless he looked at the next blonde. ""Easter is that time in December where we celebrate Jesus' birth!"" she said. St. Peter was blown away. He look…

Easter Joke Three men are waiting for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells them they can enter Heaven but first he wants to ask them a question. He looks at the first man and asks ""what is Easter?"". The man says, ""That's easy. It is when you put up a tree and put presents under it and Santa comes.... Saint Peter interrupts him and says ""No, that is not Easter."" He looks at the second man and asks ""What is Easter?"" The second man says, ""That's ea…

Joe the drunk Joe gets home drunk and falls into bed next to his wife. As he falls asleep he feels himself rise up out of his body and floats up to heaven. Joe gets to the pearly gates confused and asks St. Peter, ""Am I dead?"" ""Yes Joe, but because of the way you lived your life, you will have to be reincarnated as a chicken!"" Before Joe can protest he disappears with a loud poof, and finds himself on a farmyard filled with hens. The hens welcome the new hen arrival, pecking and clucking all…

I quacked up reading this! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ""We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, …

A man dies and arrives in heaven... ...and finds himself in a short line of men waiting to speak with St. Peter before entering the magnificent gilded gates of heaven. St. Peter addresses them: ""Welcome to Heaven! You were all good people, that is why you are here. But no one is all good, or all bad, and some of our policies reflect this and try to strike a balance. Before you enter heaven, I will be assigning each of you a vehicle based upon your fidelity in your relationship with your wife. W…

An Irish priest dies and goes to heaven... When he gets up to the pearly gates he's greeted by Saint Peter. ""Hello father O'Mally, you've lead a pious life and have spread the word to many followers but for your final test to enter into heaven you must answer 3 questions"" St. Peter asks Father O'Mally the questions ""How many seconds are there in a year?"" ""Which days in a week start with the letter T?"" and ""What is God's first name?"" Father O'Mally paused for a moment and asked St. Peter …

3 nuns die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven St. Peter greets them and tells them to stand in row for a short examination. To the first nun he tells. ""You have done nothing but good and served the lord well. However! You once gave a man a handjob. Not a big problem but sonce you were a nun, you were not allowed to. Here, come and wash your hands in the holy water and you will be clean to enter heaven."" Now suddenly the other nuns start to fight. Pushing and pulling happens. ""What are y…

Three nuns die... Three nuns die in a horribly unfortunate communion accident, and appear together at the pearly gates. They begin to confidently stride in and St. Peter appears and holds up his hands ""One minute ladies, but due to a recent resurgence in faith, Heaven is rapidly filling up, so the Big Guy has instituted an entrance exam to control the numbers"" The nuns begin to vehemently protest ""I know, I know,"" says St Peter, ""you dedicated your lives to God, and are all unquestionably d…

A dying atheist has doubts that there may in fact be a God Lying on his death bed, he invited holy men from each of the most prolific religions. A Catholic priest, a rabbi, a Buddhist monk, a Hindu priest, and a Muslim Sheikh. Each take turns explaining their views on life after death. First, the Catholic priest says a prayer, and explains that after death he will go through the gates of St. Peter where he will join Jesus and all of this loved ones. Next, the Sheikh says he would be granted 72 v…

Alan Rickman made it to the pearly gates greeted by St Peter. St Peter asked, ""Alan Rickman, our new... celebrity. Tell me Mr Rickman what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"" Alan Rickman raised an eyebrow asked, ""I didn't think you would be a fan."" ""Oh yes,"" said St Peter, ""Truth be told you were supposed to be here ten years ago, but I intervened because I felt you should be in the series to the end. But that's not the most important reason why …

At the Pearly Gates An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, ""You know, there is one thing. I'd love to see what hell is like for the sinners. I have spent my entire life warning them about their ways, so I'd like to see them in their just reward. I would really …

Lie Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that on…

A couple wants to get married... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waite…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They'r…

Three men died and went to heaven... ... and met St. Peter at the pearly gates, who was explaining a new reward system to the newcomers. Each person who made it to heaven would receive a vehicle, the quality of which would be determined by how faithful they were to their spouses on Earth. The first man had his fair share of adulterous adventures, and he received a 1992 Toyota Corolla. The second man was pretty faithful, but even he was not loyal throughout his entire life, and he received a bran…

Because Christmas is coming, here's an Easter joke: Jesus, Moses and St. Peter decided to go on a picnic. After some discussion, they agreed to have their picnic on a secluded island so no one could bother them. As the three of them were eating their picnic lunch, St. Peter notices that the boat they had arrived in had drifted out to sea. Moses offered to part the water, but St. Peter pointed out that Moses would just push the boat farther away. Jesus offered to walk out to the boat. He made it …

Two priests die and go up to Heaven... .. but when they get there they find there's a HUGE lineup at the Pearly Gates. Hours and hours go by and they are barely inching closer to their destination. Finally they see St. Peter lean over and stare down the line at someone behind them. He makes a ""come here"" gesture and this pretty blonde gal comes mincing out from behind the priests, scoots right to the front and gets right in. The priests are baffled but continue to wait. FINALLY they get to the…

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: They're Carol's.'

An oldie but a goodie. A Methodist minister, a Presbyterian minister, and a Baptist preacher were on a trip together with their wives ... ... when they all were killed in a traffic accident. They arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, and stood staring at each other for a minute. Finally the Methodist minister goes up to St Peter and asks to be let in. St Peter looks at his book and says, ""It says here I can't let you in. All your life, you loved alcohol. In fact you loved alcohol so muc…

A man died and went to heaven... ...As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all these clocks doing here?"". St. Peter answered, ""This is the wall of Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth possesses a lie clock, and every time you lie, the hand on the clock moves."" ""Oh"" said the man, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"". ""Incredible"" said th…

3 women were at the gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter... The first woman approached him and he said ""Please confess to your sins to enter the gates of Heaven."" She said ""well I gave a man a hand job once."" Peter replied ""Please dip your hand into the holy water and you may proceed through the gates."" The second woman was about to reply, but the third woman skipped in front of her and said ""If you think I'm gonna put that water in my mouth after she dips her ass in it you are out of yo…