#st-peter

Three guys die and go to the pearly gates.... So St. Peter says in light of it being Christmas I'll send you back to earth if you can present something to me that symbolizes Christmas. So the first guy pulls out his keys jingles them around: these are Jingle bells The second guy pulls a white cotton out from his pocket: this is Santa's beard Third guy checked every pocket he has and he produces a pair of women's underwear. So after thinking for a second he puts the underwear under Saint Peters n…

Clocks A man does and goes to heaven, as he aproaches the pearly gates he sees St. Peter and a wall behind him. ""St Peter, mind my questioning, but why are there clocks?"" St Peter smiled and motioned for the man to follow him. As they got to the end of the wall they saw two labeled ""Mother Teresa"" and ""Abraham Lincoln"". ""These display how many times each of these people have lied. As you can see, it is still midnight on Mother Theresa's clock. She has never lied. Its also 12:02 on Abraham…

A man and Hells Angels A man stands before St. Peter. St. Peter asks the man what did he do in his life. The man replied, ""I went to such and such college, married and had two children, and became an accountant. Overall, I led a pretty meaningless life. St. Peter then asks if he ever did an act of kindness. The man replied, ""I once saw a woman getting insulted by a Hells Angels member. I decided to protect this lady's honor. St. Peter looks puzzled for a moment, and then asks when did this act…

Three guys die and go to heaven... They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. ""Welcome welcome!"" he shouted as they approached ""It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?"" ""Yes yes of course we are!"" all three guys shouted over top of each other. ""Great!"" says Peter. ""But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that…

Three Ladies Died and Went to Heaven... When they arrived, St. Peter greeted them and said: ""You may do whatever you please in Heaven, but don't step on the ducks."" As expected, there were ducks everywhere. Very soon, one of the ladies stepped on a duck. St. Peter came to the woman and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. ""For stepping on a duck, you will be forced to be with this ugly man for the rest of eternity."" The second lady tried extremely hard not to step on a duck, but soon fail…

A Politician dies * Politician dies * St. Peter says politicians must spend one day in hell * Politician visits hell and finds it to be luxurious and wonderful * Politician returns to heaven and is asked to choose between heaven and hell * Politician chooses opulence of hell * Goes back to hell and finds it dark, torturous, and horrible * Politician asks Satan why it's no longer perfect ""You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."" (I am not giving credit, no way)

Princess Diana goes to heaven... Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks ""who were the first humans?"" She says ""Adam and Eve"" and he lets her in. To the second he asks ""where did they live?"" She says ""In the garden of Eden"" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, ""what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"" She replies ""My goodness that's a hard one"" - and he opens the gate and lets her in.

That's a hard one... On their way home from church, three little old women were in a horrible car crash. When they made it up to heaven St. Peter was waiting for them at the pearly gates. Before letting them in St. Peter told them that they hadn't lived the best life, as they had just recently started going to church to try and make up for it and told them that they had to answer a single question to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first woman what was the name of the angel of death and she…

Another three nuns die in a car crash St. Peter confronts them at the gates of heaven. ""Sisters, welcome! You are devote, except for that bingo hall incident."" The sisters hold their heads low in silent acknowledgment. Peter continues, ""So, you must be held accountable for your transgression. I will give you a test of Bible knowledge, but because your lives were... mostly... guilt free, it will be an easy one."" The nuns nod in agreement. To the first, ""who was the first man?"" ""That's easy…

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates... St. Peter says ""OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven."" He turns to the first guy and says ""What is Easter?"" The guy says ""Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? Sure, and we decorate the tree and put presents under it and sing ca-"" POOF! The man vanishes, leaving behind a faint scent of brimstone. St. Peter moves …

During a tour of heaven St. Peter was showing a group of catholics the pearly gates and golden roads. As they were walking towards a building St. Peter stopped the group and told them to be quiet as they walked by the upcoming building. One man asked why and St. Peter said, ""that's where the Mormons are and they think they are the only ones up here.""

Three nuns waiting to get into heaven.. So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in. St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet? First Nun: Oh that's an easy one, Adam! St. Peter: That's correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet? Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course! St. Peter: That is correc…

St.Peter Special Offer One day while walking down the street a highly successful person was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Gates of Heaven by St. Peter himself. ""Welcome to Heaven,"" said St. Peter. ""Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had someone like you make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in"" said the wom…

Heavens a bit full this week.... God calls St Peter to his office and tells him that heaven is getting pretty full today and that only people with unfair or horrible deaths can be allowed in. So, St Peter returns to the Pearly Gates, stands on his podium and he calls out ""all those that died an unfair or horrible death please form an orderly line here, the rest of you. Hell is through that door"" Peter then heads to the front of the queue and asks the man ""how did you die?"" The man replies ""…

Twin Brothers There once was a set of identical twin brothers. One lived a godly life. He was a good husband and father, reputable businessman, and did lots of community service. The other one was a hell-raiser. He drank, cheated on his wife, stole and lied. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in heaven and could look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell was not as the good twin imagined. His brother was drinking and partying, kissing beautiful women and dancing his butt off. …

A man dies and goes to heaven.. As he stood in front of st. Peter at the pearly gates he noticed a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asks ""what are those clocks for?"" St.peter replied ""those are lie clocks everyone on earth has one, every time you tell a lie the minute hand moves."" ""Oh"" said the man ""who's clock is that?"" ""That's mother Teresas, the hands have never moved."" ""Incredible"" said the man, ""And that's Abraham Lincolns, his has only moved twice."" ""Where's Obama's?"" Ask…

Bin Laden in Heaven Much to his surprise, St. Peter witnessed Osama Bin Laden walking up to the pearly gates. He went up to God and said, ""God, what is he doing here?"" God replied, ""I called him up here. I'm going to a party tonight and I need a cab driver.""

margaret thatcher rejected from hell Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. ""Name,"" says St. Peter. ""Margaret Thatcher,"" she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. ""I am sorry,"" he says, ""you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later…

Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory? He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, ""Please hold. Your soul is very important to us.""

Good Golfer! A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, ""Are you a good golfer?"" The man replied, ""Got here in two, didn't I?""

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates... A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. ""Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"" St. Peter asked. ""Well, I can think of one thing,"" the man offered. ""On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."" ""So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and sm…

Getting married in heavan (oringinal) On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and …

Little Jimmy was playing with a friend on the playground, when his friend asked him a question.... ""Do you know what purple passion is? I heard about it on TV and my mom won't answer me."" ""No."" replied Jimmy ""However, I can ask the teacher!"" and with that jimmy was off to ask his teacher. ""Mrs. Teacher, my friend asked me a question and I don't know the answer, would you happen to know the answer?"" Jimmy asked. ""I may, what is the question Jimmy?"" ""What is purple passion?"" When Jimmy…

A Catholic, a Lutheran and a Prodestant die and go to heaven. When they get there they are met by St. Peter, who says ""Well, it looks like you've all been faithful to God in your respective ways, but we've gotten so crowded and particular with heaven that we have to break you into your particular faiths."" The three nod in agreement, as while they were good people, they all recognized their differences within their faith. The Catholic is first. When the gates to Catholic Heaven open, they sees …