#st-peter

A lawyer went to heaven. Upon arriving in heaven the lawyer sees St. Peter at Heaven's Gate. The lawyer exclaims to St. Peter in a distressed tone, ""I'm too young to be here!"" St. Peter glances at the lawyer and says, ""According to your time slips, you should have been here 100 years ago.""

Three mice go to heaven... Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, ""Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish."" One mouse speaks up for the group and says, ""All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this mean cat. We would love it if we could each have a set of roller skates."" So St. Peter says, ""So it shall be,"" and each of the mice was let into Heaven with its own set of…

Afterlife with MCA and Bon Scott [OC] Adam Yauch dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter exclaims, ""Ah, MCA! Since you were a musician, we'll team you up with another departed musician to show you around the place."" St. Peter decides that Bon Scott should be his tour guide and they head off to view heaven. They spend a lot of time walking throughout the different fantastical sights and Bon finally stops when they get to the bottom of a mountain range. ""This is my favorite spot"" Bon …

Getting Married in Heavon On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two …

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says ""state your name and occupation please"" He says ""Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"" St. Peter checks his list and smiles, ""here"" he says ""take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of Heaven"" Seeing this, the priest comes up and, when asked, booms ""I am Robert Eaton, S…

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal traffic accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly become married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. Nobody asked this before. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Six months had passed and …

Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...(Insert your favorite racial epithets here) and encounter St. Peter. They walk towards the gate and assumed they were automatically granted admission. St. Peter stops them. St. P: Wait wait wait right there. First, you must all answer one question. What is Easter? The first guy thinks for a while: Oh, I know! Easter comes during the time of harvest, in the fall, when everyone gathers for a great feast and discuss what they're grateful for. St. P: No! T…

So Messi, Ronaldo, and Ibrahimovic arrive at the pearly white gates... There to meet them is St. Peter, who informs them that they may pass through but their judgement is to be carried out in front of Jesus. At last they reach Jesus, who says the following... ""Messi my child, you were always good to the poor and those less fortunate. Here, I have a seat on my right hand side for you"" and gestures for Messi to come take a seat. ""Ronaldo my son, though you were at times arrogant your heart is g…

Getting into Heaven A young man stood before St. Peter who tells him ""Son, to let you into Heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on Earth"" The guy thinks for a moment and replies ""Well, I saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pushed him to the ground, and told him to leave the poor girl alone!"" St. Peter is quite impressed with this and says, ""Well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?…

Bill gates gets duped Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill say…

Zebra in heaven The Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ""I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"" St. Peter said, ""That's a question only God can answer."" So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, ""God, please - I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"" God simply replied ""You are what you are."…

A Street gang approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates... One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a gang of men walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, ""God, there are some evil, thieving looking men at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"". God replied, ""Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."" St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling ""God, God, they're gone, they'…

Political Joke While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in,"" says the senator. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spen…

St Peter and heaven joke perfect for Feb. 2nd Three Italians, Luigi, Mario and Giuseppe, go to heaven. Saint Peter stops them at the gate and tells them they have to take a test before they can enter heaven. ""You must tell me about Easter."" St. Peter says. Luigi steps up. (All speaking in the typical Italians accent) ""I know all about Easter. That's when this big a fat a guy brings toys to all kids"" St. Peter's says ""not even close off to purgatory for you"" Mario steps up. ""Mario knows al…

They think they are the only ones here. A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ""Religion?"" The man says, ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list and says, ""Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Lutheran."" ""Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Presbyterian."" ""Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."" The man says, …

St. Peter... Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two young blacks from da hood arrive wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants. St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said, ""Wait here, I'll be right back."" St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, ""How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"" St. Peter goes back to the Pearly…

An old black meets St. Peter at the gates of heaven St. Peter is there, and tells him ""Welcome, in order to get into the kingdom of heaven you must have done something worthwhile with your life, what have you done my son?"" ""well"", he said in a raspy voice, ""I made love to a white woman"" ""...okaay"" St. Peter responded, ""that's...not, exactly what we're looking for"" ""No no no you don't understand"", the man replied. ""This girl was 18 years old, with a beautiful face, long, blond hair a…

E-vil A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. She walks up to it and sees, ""Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."" She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: ""Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here."" So she does. Up pops a screen that reads, ""Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you."" …

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day... The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. She takes off her top and says, ""Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."" St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same ques…

BILL GATES IN HELL Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says t…

Bad days One day god was talking to st peter. ""We do not have enough souls in heaven. So from here on out if anyone was having a bad day before they died let them in"". St peter nodded before returning back to the gates. He sees the first person and asks about their day. It was horrible, I come home and i know my wife was cheating. I ran outside and saw the bastard hanging from the balcony rail. So i kick his fingers and watched him fall. He lived so picked up the fridge and threw it at him. In…

A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates... ...St. Peter asks him, ""Hast thou done anything that wishes to qualify to enter heaven?"" The man ponders and replies that he can think of one thing. ""One time these group of bikers were harassing this old lady, I told them to stop but they didn't, so I walked up to the biggest most heavily tattooed biker, ripped out his nose ring, threw him off his bike, kicked the bike over and yelled to them 'Leave her alone or you'll answer to …

What is Easter? A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die simultaneously and are instantly before St. Peter and heaven's gate. ""In order to be allowed in, you must tell me, what is Easter?"" exclaims St. Pete. The brunette answers first. ""Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!"" St. Peter says no and sends her to hell. The redhead then answers, ""Easter is when we celebrate love and buy each other gifts, chocolate, and flowers!"" Again, St. Pete says no and sends her to hell. Finall…

Three nuns die in a car crash and next thing they know they look up to see St Peter, greeting them at the pearly gates. He looks at the first nun and tells her he is going to ask her a question regarding her religous beliefs, and if she answers correctly, she will be welcomed into heaven. He asks, ""what was the name of the first man on earth?"" She quickly answers ""Adam."" The pearly gates open up and St. Peter says, ""welcome to heaven my child."" The second nun steps up and again St. Peter h…

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven One day, Forrest Gump finds himself in front of the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter is there waiting to let him in, but doesn't wish to let Forrest in. He can't outright refuse him entrance however, so he decides to test Forrest's knowledge. St. Peter tells Forrest that he is going to ask him three questions; if Forrest answers all three correctly, he will be allowed into heaven. Forrest agrees and St. Peter asks the first question. Starting simple to lead into toug…