#st-peter

So there was this zebra.... ... And he wanted to know if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So, he asked St. Peter. St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but I can't answer that question for you. You'll have to go ask God.' Then the zebra made the long, arduous, and perilous journey up to heaven to talk to God. He asked God, 'God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?' God simply said, 'You are what you are.' 'Well hmmph,' said the zebra with a huff, 'Fat lot…

So three mice get into Heaven... And they are greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to them ""Because you lived good lives, each of you gets one wish."" They say to Peter ""We spent our entire lives running from predators, and our legs got very tired. Can you give us skateboards to get around?"" Peter obliges, and they get three skateboards. About a week later, Peter is checking in on everybody in Heaven. He runs into the cat that died about a month earlier, and he asks how he is doing. The cat says …

Mittens keeping it cool. A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, ""These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."" Pointing to one, the man says, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's,"" St. Peter answers. ""The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" the man responds. ""And whose clo…

A batty Halloween joke A young African boy was playing one day, when he was eaten by a lion. When he got to heaven, St. Peter met him at the pearly gates and bestowed wings upon him. The little boy's eyes shined with joy. He looked up and asked ""Am I am angel?"" St. Peter shook his head and laughed. ""Nah nigga, you a bat.""

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve... When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them. ""Welcome to Heaven!"" exclaimed St. Peter, ""Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."" The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. ""They're jingle bells!"" St. Peter lets the man in. The second man digs through…

My contribution to Blasphemy day - A pothead died... and went to heaven. Upon reaching the heavenly gates, Saint Peter asked him: ""What was your occupation on earth my son?"" The pothead replied: ""I used to smoke a lot of marijuana sir."" Saint Peter then got a little confused in his head because he had never heard of anything called 'marijuana'. He then closed the gates with the hippie pothead out of heaven and went to check with the boss. Behind a pretty mahogany desk there was the Father/So…

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates with the gates being shut and St. Peter nowhere to be found. He starts loudly calling for him and finally after a couple of minutes of desperate yelling a white dove flies over to him. ""What do you want, human?"" asks the dove in a human voice ""Why, I've been a proper Christian my whole life and an earthly succesor of the St. Peter's leadership of all the Christians. And I want to get to heaven! Wher…

A Muslim man dies and finds himself at the gates of Heaven... The man says to St. Peter, ""I'm here to see Mohammed."" ""He's higher up,"" says St. Peter. Good, thinks the man, Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter. So he goes higher up and sees Jesus. ""I'm looking for Mohammed,"" says the man. ""Higher up,"" says Jesus. The man is getting quite excited now, knowing Mohammed is higher than Jesus. He goes up again, and sees God sitting on his golden chair. ""I'm here to see Mohammed,"" says t…

Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: ""You'll have to go through Purgatory first I know you're a vicar, but you loved booze. That's why you married a woman named Brandy."" So they go off, and ... Read more...

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter ""Where is my father?"" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel ""Where is my father?"" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ""Where is my father?"" But John does not know. So he…

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, ""No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."" When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - S…

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, ""I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."" St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, ""I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them…

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he…

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, ""I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."" The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, ""How long were you married?"" He answered, ""24 years."" ""Did you ever cheat on your wife?"", St. Peter asked. The guy said, ""Yeah, 7 times ... …

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ""One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"" said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ""One for you, one for me. One …

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line …

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, ther…

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."" Cat: ""Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."" St. Peter: ""That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."" Next a group of mice appeared. St. Peter: ""Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice o…

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says ""I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."" Cat: ""Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."" St Peter: ""That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."" Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter…

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, ""Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."" Forrest respond…

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He repl…

Getting into Heaven A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. ""Am I where I think I am?"" she exclaims. ""It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"" To which St. Peter replies, ""Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."" Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. ""Spell out a sentence,"" St. Peter replies. ""What sentence?"" she asks. ""Any sentence,"" answers S…

Dividing Nuts On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ""One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"" said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, h…

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."" With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, an…

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. ""Welcome!"" he says. ""Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."" ""Okay,"" says the blonde. ""Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."" ""That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"" ""Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you anot…