#st-peter

THE POPE AND A ATTORNEY ARE AT THE ELEVATOR The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, ""Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer.""

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him. St. Peter replies, ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."" He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to…

Three men died on Christmas Eve Three men died on christmas eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It's a candle"", he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates"" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook the…

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question 'Jennifer, have you ever had any cont…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven...... When they get there, St. Peter says, ""We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ""Your punishment for …

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, ""They're…

Couple wants to get married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and …

St. Peter comes to Hell for his annual visit Immediately, he realizes that something is really wrong. There is more blood than usual, he sees dead devils everywhere... After a while, he finds Satan hiding under his throne of flames. ""What happened to your realm? Why do you have such a mess everywhere?"" asks St. Peter. ""Just two days ago, a Doom player came here. He just pulled out his chainsaw and went crazy. Nobody was able to stop him. St. Peter, could you take him to Heaven? When he sees t…

You die and arrive at The Pearly Gates... and as you're about to check-in you see that the walls are covered in thousands of clocks; each one with a small name carved underneath. Curious you ask St. Peter the obvious question, ""what's with all these clocks on the wall?"" A wry smile appears on his face. ""Simple"" he chortles. ""Everyone on Earth has a clock and when their time runs out... they die."" All seems legit you think to yourself. Just then out of the corner of your eye you see one of …

A man dies and gets to the gates of heaven Where St Peter asks him ""son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth"" the guy thinks for a minute and replies ""well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, spat in his face and told him to leave the poor girl alone"" st peter is quite impressed with this and says ""well done my son, and whe…

This guy dies and goes to heaven.. And he is bullshitting with St. Peter and the guy goes ""Hey, what was the weirdest thing about life on Earth that no one knew about?"" St. Peter says ""I can't tell you that, it's too weird, you couldn't handle it."" So the guy says ""Fine, what was the 87,556th weirdest thing then?"" St. Peter thought about it for a moment and finally replied. ""Pro Wrestling is real.""

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ""Religion?"" The man says, ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list, and says, ""Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says, ""I can understand there being different rooms…

A Trump supporter dies and goes to heaven... St. Peter says, ""Welcome, we've been expecting you. But there's only one problem, we have some tough zoning laws around here and all we put all the Trump supporters in that area. And as you can see it's absolutely choked full. There is no room for you."" The Trump supporter says, ""That's ok. May I just say four words?"" St Peter say, ""I don't see why not."" So the Trump supporter shouts out, ""Hillary spotted in Heaven!"" Almost immediately, all th…

Married in Heaven! On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven? St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out! Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could y…

A Rich Man Dies and Finds Himself At Heaven's Gate Rich Man: Where am I? And who are you? St. Peter: Why I'm St. Peter, the gatekeeper of Heaven. What is your name? Rich Man: Richy Rich. St. Peter: Alright let me see here (gets out the book of life) Richy...Rich... Ah! Here we are! You seemed to have amassed a great amount of wealth in your life...oh... Richy Rich: What's wrong? St. Peter: I'm sorry but you cannot come into heaven because you were not a Christian. I'm afraid I'll have to send yo…

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, ""What was really in Hillary's emails?"" ""Nothing incriminating really"", replies St. Peter. The other guy turns and whispers, ""Wow, this goes higher than we thought.""

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: ""I am the pope."" St. Peter: ""Who? There's no such name in my book."" The Pope: ""I'm the representative of God on Earth."" St.Peter: ""Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."" The Pope: ""But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."" St. Peter: ""The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."" St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with G…

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Christian couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.They wonder if they could get married in heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him if they can marry. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed…

3 Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate and said, ""However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven"" as he pointed to another shining gate many miles in the distance. The first guy comes up to the gate and says, ""I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. "". St. Peter smiled and handed him the keys to a brand spanking new Ferrari. The next man stepped forward an…

A politician dies and goes to heaven... He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity. The politician say, ""ok, let's try this out."" So he spends the day in heaven, praying with the Lord, singing with the choir, and talking with the angels. He's thinking this is alright, not too exciting, but it's gotta be better than hell. The day ends with a l…

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates... for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book. Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out. Jesus says ""Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."" The old man says ""Well, I only had one child, a son."" Jesus smiles and says ""Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."" The man says ""I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter.…

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening... ... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. ""Who the hell are you?"" Demanded Jason, ""and what are you doing in my bedroom?"". The mysterious Man answered ""This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter"". Jason was stunned ""You mean I'…

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven. Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds. The priest looks at St. Peter and says: ""I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."" St. Peter says ""Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed.""

A zebra dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. All my life I've wondered, says the Zebra, if I'm White with black stripes or Black with white stripes. Can you please tell me? St. Peter is baffled. I do not know this, he says, but fear not, for we will ask Jesus and all your questions will be answered. So St. Peter summons Jesus and they both scrutinize the Zebra trying to solve his riddle. Finally, Jesus says, my child Zebra, that question you ask is a difficult one indeed. I do …

Three sisters died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter warns them, 'There is only one rule in heaven: you must not step on any of the ducks.' And he sent them on their merry way. Upon entering, the three sisters notice that the grounds are riddled with ducks waddling about. Remembering the rule, they stepped carefully. However, it was a mere 3 days in before the eldest sister steps on a duck. The second she does so, an angel appeared with a ugly man. The ugly man is chained to the …