#st-peter

Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve. One thing leads to another and they end up barhopping all night. While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed. They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St Peter tells them, "Boys, you're in luck. Since it's Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you're celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven." One guy pulls out his lighter and f…

Jesus at the Pearly Gates Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jesus is well qualified to do that. Jesus agrees and sits down to wait for the next arrival. Soon, and old man slowly walks up and sits down across from Jesus. He looks aroun…

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company. When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?" The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in." St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her "You may go in." St. Peter asked the third man…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for step…

Ducks Three old ladies died and went to Heaven. The first lady met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven! You can do whatever you want, but whatever you do, you must not step on a duck." The woman was confused. She soon found out there were ducks everywhere. On the third day there, she stepped on a duck. St. Peter showed up with a hideous looking man and made them face each other. They were handcuffed together for eternity. The second woman was also greeted by St. Peter with the same w…

Three couples on vacation die together in an accident They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that you married a woman named Penny, so no, it’s the other place for you.” They sadly fall away as the second couple floats over and the husband ask, “…

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic ga…

A bus full of ugly people crashes... A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy says, "I wish I was beautiful too!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The guy at the end of the line starts to chuckle. The line gets shorter and sh…

Pearly Gates Pontiff The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.” St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a lake. “And this is where you will be living,” St. Peter said. The Pope toured the small but well appointed cottage. “Odd,” he thought, “I truly expected a mansion in glory. But, then …

A lawyer goes to heaven St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?" St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old." The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?" St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ... St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden. -Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign. Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside. -What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to n…

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day. A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day. His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he demands. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally he’s on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and see…

Brian's Eggs Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep. When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter". B…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident… The couple themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple…

A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest. While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, "I think I'm in the wrong joke." The drunk replies, "Nope. Just the wrong punch line."

Johhny went to sleep and woke up in heaven He awoke before the Pearly Gates... St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Johnny"... Johnny was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"... St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"... Johnny never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after …

Three nuns die and come before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomes them and says that they need to answer a biblical question to be admitted into Heaven. He says to the first nun, “Who was the first man?” The nun replies, “Why that would be Adam”. St Peter pushes a button and ding-ding-ding, the gates open and she goes in. Bong-bong-bong and the gates close. St. Peter says to the second nun, “Who was the first woman”. She answers, “I know, it was Eve”. St Peter pushes a button and din…

A priest passes away and goes to heaven… He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue. Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!” The priest is flabbergasted and confused. He rushes towards St Peter. “Your holyness! I don’t understand. I have dedicated my entire life to God. How comes Bob gets to jump the queue before everybody else?” “We…

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?” St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.” The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.” The couple then asks “What about a divorce?” St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”

3 women die and arrive at the pearly gates St Peter tells them "We don't have many rules here in Heaven. But the most important one is, we have a lot of ducks here, and you must not harm ANY! God is crazy about his ducks. You have been warned!" They enter and see, there are ducks everywhere! All over the place. Within seconds the first one accidentally steps on a duck. An angel appears with an UGLY and FAT old man. He chains her to him. "He is with you for all eternity!" the angel says. The oth…

A politician dies So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell…

Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink. They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light. “I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries. “Okay” says St. Peter. “I can bring you back, but as an animal.” The alcoholic thinks: “I should pick something small, so there's more vodka for me.” So he asks St. Peter to bring him back as…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on t…

Heaven’s lines When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: “ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.” “I want all the women to report to St. Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long. In the line of men who truly were heads …

Three guys walk up to the gates of heaven St Peter is standing there and says to them