#liz

Liz from HR just called me in. I guess my thigh gap is distracting everyone, like that's my fault

My mate John knows everyone in the world Just cross-posting this from over on /r/AskReddit My mate John claims to know everyone in the world. Last week, we were in the pub, and he was bragging about it. ""Not everyone, though, John!"" I said. He said ""Wait a minute"", pulled out his phone, and made a call. Next thing you know, we're in a taxi on the way to Buckingham Palace. We pull up outside, the guard waves us through, saying ""Hi John!"", and we stop at the front door. Prince Phillip answer…

Reddit, may a I please have a Elizabeth Taylor / Michael Jackson joke? I don't know how, but it must happen! Edit: I actually want a joke that includes Liz *and* the Pop King. My use of ' / ' may have been misleading. Thank you.

Little Liz was walking through the forest... When a man came at her with a bread knife. Little Liz started laughing, she knew she wasn't a loaf of bread

A joke my grandma told me at our last family reunion. Liz and Mary are working hard at their desks. Liz stands up and invites Mary to go outside for a cigarette. They go outside only to find it's pouring rain so badly it would be impossible to smoke. However, Mary pulls a condom out of her purse and puts it around her cigarette and proceeds to smoke. Liz, completely astonished, thought it was the most fantastic idea ever. So, after work, she goes to a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. The cler…

A few days ago, I was out for my weekly 10k jog with my friend. We ran through a swarm of bees. He was stung, and collapsed within about 30 seconds He was looking in severe distress and was having trouble breathing, so I called 911. The ambulance got there in about 5 minutes, but he had already lost consciousness. They tried to revive him on the scene, but they said it was too late. He was gone. I was in total shock. I went to his wake yesterday. I offered my condolences to his wife Liz. She…

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ... St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden. -Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign. Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside. -What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to n…

Reddit, may a I please have a Elizabeth Taylor / Michael Jackson joke?","I don't know how but it must happen! Edit: I actually want a joke that includes Liz the Pop King. My use of ' / ' may have been misleading. Thank you.