#ralph

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Ralph The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, ""Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."" ""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,"" says Ralph. ""How about a demonstration?"" The audit…

A nervous young man goes to pick up his prom date at her house. As expected, his date is finishing getting ready upstairs. He sits in the living room waiting for her when her father and the family dog enter the room. The dad sits down across from the boy and looks him over thoughtfully. The young man begins feeling very uneasy, and his stomach starts to churn. His stomach starts to hurt so badly, he decides he has no choice but to let out a little fart to get some relief. He takes the plunge, an…

""I'm 29 years old today..."" ""I'm 29 years old today,"" said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday. Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone... ""Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday,"" says the man on the line. ""Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."" ""No,"" says Carl. ""He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."" (based on a true st…

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the…

Mental Stability Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went…

The teacher asked the class to make up a poem. Mrs. Krabappel asked the class to make up a poem with the word fascinate in it. Millhouse was up first and he said, ""I really like my mom, I think that she is great, she tells us lots of stories that always fascinate."" ""Good job Millhouse"" she said, ""Ok who's next?"" Lisa put up her hand and was called up. ""My step-grampa was in the war and even though were not related, he also tells me stories and I am always fascinated"" ""Great job Lisa, yo…

Ralph once had an IQ of 18, ... but then it fell asleep. edit: ~~they~~ it

Secrets to a long marriage With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband shyly stood and turned to the audience: ""Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."" The minister inquired, ""Trips to where?"" ""Well,"" the man says, ""for our 25th anniversary, I took …

Ralph was called in for a meeting with the IRS, so he turns up for the meeting with his accountant. The tax clerk says to him ""You wrote on your tax return that you make your money by gambling, but we find that quite hard to believe."" ""No, it's true! I'm really good at it. Look, I can prove it! I bet you $250 that I can bite my eye."" The clerk thinks it over, and says ""Ok, you're on."" Ralph takes out his glass eye, bites it and puts it back. ""You got me there,"" said the clerk. ""No, I'm …

A blind man walks into a violin store... He turns to the man at the counter and says, ""Hi Ralph, I am a blind man."" Ralph says, ""If you're blind, why did you let the raccoon out! He's going to run a muck all over town!""

What do you call Ralph Nader's alter ego? His alter-nader

Which Barbie? Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, ""How much is that Barbie in the window?"" In a condescending manner, she says, ""Which Barbie?"" She continues, ""We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes N…

A Story of Two Horses, Jim and Steve As young colts, Jim and Steve grew up on a ranch together. Competition was in their nature because they both were being bred as racing horses. As a result, Jim and Steve would often race around the ranch, typically from one tree to another, desperately trying to best each other. Their favorite race was from the Chestnut Oak, around the Bitternut Hickory, and back to the Chestnut Oak Day after day they would run this race, but it was always such a close race t…

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director... and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket. ""Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"" ""Yes Mrs. Stewart?"" ""Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."" ""Of course Mrs. Stewart. Anything for dear Tim."" So the director went back into the mortician's room and spoke with the attendant. ""Hey Ralph, could you go swit…

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Hey, you know we've got a drink named after you!"" The grasshopper says.... ...Ralph?

a classic joke with an odd twist Why did the chicken cross the road? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His family was experiencing financial troubles, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, but they just didn't quite work out. After ending up in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he was shot, landing him in the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him, the same shooter made his way to his room, and murdered his wife and 3 children, and somehow mana…

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.' Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered h…

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager ""How much is that new Barbie in the window?"" The Manager replied ""Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95 Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95 Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95 Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."…

A letter from an Irish mother to her son *This was one of the first forwards I ever got on my old dial up, so forgive me if yous have seen it before.* Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to sen…

Ralph and the IRS Auditor The IRS decided to audit Ralph, and summoned him to the local IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Ralph showed up with his attorney. The auditor began with, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win all of your money by gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” replied Ralph. “How about a little demonstration?” The auditor …

Barbie Dolls Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nigh…

The Re-incarnation of Ralph Ralph came stumbling home; drunk again after another late night at the local pub. He slid quietly into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He was awoken by a bright golden light, and he found himself standing before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You have died in your sleep Ralph. You drank yourself to death... You're in Heaven now. Welcome my son." Ralph was stunned. "WAIT! I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.…

Ralph and Edna Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool

Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday ....