#florida

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, ""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"" The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde y…

Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called ""Humidity"" so that fans in Florida will be able to say ""It's not the Heat that's so bad it's the Humidity.""

I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all both Florida and Louisiana have oil.

On a flight to Florida I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back picked up a magazine and said ""If th…

Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch. We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company "" you will eat in …

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. …

Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. ""Mama!"" yelled the boy. ""A gator jus' bit off mah foot!"" ""Which one?"" called his mother from inside the cabin. ""How the hell should Ah know?!"" he shrieked. ""They all look alike to me!""

eer booze and fun!' 'A pirate was talking to a ""land-lubber"" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that like any self-respecting pirate this guy had a peg leg a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate ""How did you loose your leg?"" The pirate responded ""I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked ""What about you hand. …

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat he exploded ""If it weren't for my money we wouldn't be here at all!"" The wife replied ""My dear if it weren't for your money not only would we not be in Florida we wouldn't on a honeymoon nor would there be any ""we"" in the first place.""

A pirate walks into a bar... Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the m…

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment... ...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep. The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may sound quite strange to you though, so please bear with me for a moment." The patient coughs again. "I'll try anything, doc." The doctor sits down acro…

First Jewish President The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest…

I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend... and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit." So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read... "I hope this helps."

The Jewelery Store A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o…

Monkey Business On A Bus This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there's a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It's a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. Everyone is dead at the scene except the monkey. The police are trying to figure out what went wrong. They have no witnesses. It was a single-vehicle accident. So they bri…

Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"

Reddit, lend me your jokes. I'm going to the florida arcade and pinball convention tomorrow. obviously its initials are "FAP". I need as many horrible fap jokes as possible for my friends (example: i called all my friends to tell them i'm coming). thanks for the help. sincerely, - an immature adult

A Tale of Two Fleas A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. “Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my win…

One of my favorite hockey jokes On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly …

THE salesman story. A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he g…

A joke about hell A man from Michigan, sick of the cold, decides he wants to take a break and go to Florida for a few days. His wife happens to be on a business trip and will arrive later. After the man arrives, he decides to send his wife a quick email to let her know he arrived safely. His wife had recently changed her email address, and because the man had not memorized the address well enough, he got one letter wrong and sent the email to an elderly woman whose husband, a former pastor, had…

Email Joke It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to …

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger. It was good, but the bill was enormous.

Letter from Grandma... Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, ju…

The good salesman A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got thro…