#oscar

I like giving names to my furniture Right now i'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch

there's no way leo dicaprio cares about winning an oscar as much as we care about imagining that SOMETHING torments a rich handsome actor

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

I can't stand fake people. Unless you're with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop. Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic

You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy.

"And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to.....Beyonce?" *Kanye slowly sits down*

Oscar nominations are out. Let's experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold

"You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something." Good idea, Oscar. What'd you have in mind?

Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."

If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember... Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film.

A man and hs dog sit at the bar.... ...bartender says ""sorry, but no dogs allowed at the bar"". The gentleman responds ""no no, you don't understand, this is a TALKING dog, he should definitely be allowed to sit at the bar"" ""Talking dog you say"" says the bartender, stroking his chin. ""Prove it"" ""Okay! Hey Oscar, what sound does a dog make?"" ""WOOF WOOF"" replies Oscar the dog. ""Okay, what is on top of a house?"" ""ROOF, ROOF"" replies Oscar again. The bartender at this point just says "…

LPT: Learn the military alphabet Please learn it. It'll save you so much time on the phone. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, and Zulu. Ever tried to spell something out and the other person mixes around letters? SNot F, S! S as in Sam! That doesn't work. Sierra, Echo, November, Delta, November, Uniform, Delta, Echo, Sierra. Works like a charm. ED…

And the Oscar goes too.......... Prison.

I tend to like Oscar Wilde's quotes about America: ""We (the British) have everything in common with America. Except, of course, language."" ""America is the only nation that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.""

TIL the Grizzly Bear population at Yellowstone Park is 5 times what it was at it's lowest point. That means I'm 5 times more likely to get an Oscar on my next visit to Yellowstone. EDIT: Stupid grammar/punctuation in the title. My bad.

Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar? Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss

Leonardo Dicaprio must be sad. He only has one Oscar instead of many.