#florida

A couple of unemployed tough guys see a pair of crocodile shoes in a store window. The one turns to the other and says, ""Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"" So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands. The first one turns to the other and says, ""I'll tell you what, if this next croc we see doesn't have shoes on I quit.""

Two ants meet in the south for the winter to keep warm... ...and one is cold and shivering on when he arrives. ""that will be the last time I ride to Florida in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle, I'm freezing!"" The other ant says ""Just do what I do, hitch a ride between the legs of a beautiful woman. It's the warmest way to travel."" The shivering ant says ""That's what I did, but I dozed off, and woke up in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle.""

Quintuple pun There once was a scientist who was doing research into longevity. He had a lab in Florida and was working with porpoises. He had discovered that he could extend their lifespans indefinitely by feeding them an extract made from seagulls. So each morning he would go out on the beach and hunt seagulls. One day, when coming back from the hunt with a bunch of freshly killed seagulls he discovered that there was a lion lying across the path. But this didn't worry him as he recognized the…

What do you call citizens of Florida who eat at Chick-Fil-A? Gay-ters

Tough choice in Florida governor's race... Charlie Crist and Rick Scott are standing at opposite ends of a theater when both men spontaneously burst into flames and there's only one fire extinguisher in the entire building! Where would you hide the fire extinguisher?

B.C. A rather old fashioned lady, was planning a couple of weeks vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't know quite how to ask about the ""toilet"" facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word ""toilet"" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term ""Bathro…

Buccaneers Anthrax Scare Tampa Bay, Florida, Sept. 26, 2014. Tampa Bay Buccaneers football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player found a mysterious white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice and called in local authorities. Forensic scientists determined the powdery substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after it was determined the players were unlikely to encounter it again any time soon.…

An old couple was driving through Kentucky As they were driving down one stretch of highway, they got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper approached the car and asked the driver to roll down his window. ""Hi sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"" ""Actually no sir, I don't."" ""You were going 75 in a 55. You were speeding."" Then the wife yelled from the passenger seat: ""What did he say?!"" The old man rolled his eyes and yelled back. ""He said I was speeding!"" He looked back …

My Magic Green Hat Earlier this year while on vacation to escape the snow and cold, I passed through Florida on my way to the Caribbean cruise. The day after returning from my cruise, I wasn't feeling very well and decided that I really needed some medical assistance... and decided to visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility. Realizing that it would likely be very crowded and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5 hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. As soon as I ente…

3 Nuns Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about. Sister Veronica said, ""When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!"" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, ""and this wide…

Topical Jokes for 6/20 (For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality) In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937. In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down,…

How do you know if someone has been to Florida? They'll tell you.

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs... ...and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. ""Oscar, what happened to you?"" asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. ""I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off,"" whee…

Why do they call old people 'frogs' in Florida? 'Cause they all go there to croak!

Topical Jokes for 6/11 In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant. ...the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up. Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts. Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirel…

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

I get really sad whenever I go to Florida It just seems to be a tropical depression

Chick magnet Sam was a simple fellow, socially awkward, not very attractive, but he had high hopes for meeting girls on his long-awaited Florida vacation. Every day, he went to the beach in hopes of meeting someone special, but every day he was disappointed because all the girls seemed to hang around one certain man. This guy was not necessarily much to look at, but he seemed to be a real chick magnet and Sam was baffled. Two days before his vacation ended, Sam happened to see this man in his ho…

Have fun reading. This one's a long one. There's this guy in Florida, and he finds out that his uncle died. He inherits a zoo and he gets money to run it. So he goes to the zoo and it's so dilapidated. So he has a month to renovate, and he gets a big aviary, a big lion cage, and an aquarium. He uses all of his money on that stuff. It's a week before opening day. He realizes that he has no animals. So he goes on his laptop and finds out that the state of Florida has foster lions. He calls the sta…

Funny but old fake adopt an Enron Exec email from way back. Remember that whole Enron Scandal? I was looking through some old computer back up disks and found this. Probably wont be funny to younger kids but some old farts like me might get a chuckle: **Adopt an Enron Executive** Dear kind-hearted friends...Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. …

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen. Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

A penguin was driving a truck in Florida when the truck started kinda shaking. He drops by a workshop to get it checked up. Due to the immense heat, he goes by the nearest shop to get an ice-cream while the mechanic works on his truck. He buys some ice cream and eats it hastily because of the heat and ends up getting some if it all over his face. While he was walking back to the mechanic still eating that ice cream, the mechanic yells out loudly, ""Looks like you just blew a seal.""

Offensive Challenger Jokes What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts What did Christa McAuliffe say before it blew up? ""What does this button do?"" Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation? All over Florida.

Canadians spend about $3.5 billion annually in Florida Plus the $5 tip.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything under one roof"" department store looking for a job... A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything under one roof"" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says ""Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."" Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. ""Yo…