#er

"Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

"Can't beat fresh apple pie" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. "Wrong" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Fun Fact: The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

*driving my date to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin! DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I'll take this one

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn't invent it. Anyway, that's what brings me to the ER.

a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker

A man was admitted to the ER with 6 small plastic horses up his bum... ...doctors described his condition as ""stable"".

Two with sausage and meatballs, two without A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. ""But how will I let you know the baby is born?"" she asked. He replied, ""Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."" Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six mo…

Goku gets into a car accident and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse ""Help! I'm in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!"" The nurse looks at him calmly and says, ""sure, but first you have to fill out this insurance information."" and she hands Goku a 5 page packet. Goku, disgruntled by the inconvenience, takes a seat and completes the paperwork. He returns to the desk and asks the…

A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery... After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years. 18 years later, the mother was sitting in her front room when her son bursts into the room, panicked, ""Mom, mom! You won't believe what just happened, I…

Marshall's trip to the ER Marshall goes to check into the ER and complains that his knees are weak and his arms feel heavy. His nurse jokingly asks if his palms are sweaty and if there is vomit on his sweater already. Marshall never replied because he was having a stroke.

My mom told it to me An elderly women gets transported to the ER with a shot wound in the knee. The woman is conscious and the Doctor asks: ""What happened?"" ""I tried to commit suicide "" said the woman ""Well you shouldn't have shot the knee then"" the doctor replies ""I didn't intend to I was going for the heart and they always say it's right behind your left chest.""

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER. When he wakes up he tells the doctor: ""I can't feel my legs!!!"" The doctor replies: ""I know, I cut your arms off.""

TIFU at Subway - accidentally sent someone to the ER Oops, wrong sub

Dr. House gets a new patient.... A man is rushed into the ER with a fever above 104 F. As Dr. House boldly follows the stretcher and slaps on his gloves, he asks the man's spouse if there was anything else unusual going on. She claims that he had a large red rash, he had been complaining of fatigue and joint pain for several weeks, and there had more recently been blood in his urine. After the man's condition is stabilized, House assembles his army of toadies to figure out just what the heck was…

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable.