#florida

It was so hot in Florida on New Years... ...the ball in Times Square wasn't the only one that dropped.

Wrong email A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accide…

An old man and his wife stop at a gas station... it's an old-time type gas station where an attendant comes out and pumps the gas for you. While the gas tank is being filled, the young attendant tries to make some conversation. He sees that the car has Texas plates and asks the old man, ""I see you're from Texas. What part?"" Before the old man can answer, his wife leans over from hr side of the car and squawks, ""Heyyyy? What'd he say?"" The old man, about to answer the attendant, instead, says…

Vacation It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's …

An Illinois man... ...left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day bef…

An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something... An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, ""My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age …

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog) Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, with a tearful goodbye to his wasp coworkers, his wasp friends and his wasp parents (normal, hard working waspfolk with traditional wasp morals and a burni…

What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom.

Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, ""Would you like to live with your mother?"" ""No."" said the boy. ""Why not?"" said the judge. ""Because she beats me."" The judge says ""Okay, then you'll go live with your father."" ""Oh No,"" cried the boy, ""He beats me too."" Dumbfounded, the judge asks ""Okay who do you want to live with?…

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose…

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism …

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything-under-one-roof"" department store looking for a job. The manager says ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."" Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, ""How many sales d…

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, ""Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."" The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-hai…

A little girl says, ""Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"" ""Why sure you can,"" her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, ""Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"" ""A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."" The girl says, ""Grandpa, will you please MAKE a sound like a frog?"" Perplexed, her grand dad says, ""Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"" And the little girl says, ""'Cause Grandma said that when you cr…

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, ""Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?"" Luigi said, ""Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down."" ""Whadda you mean, Luigi?"" asked Giovanni."" Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a fo…

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and the one blonde says to the other. ""What do you think is farther ......... Florida or the moon......"" The other blonde turns and says ""Helloooooooooooooooooooo....can you see Florida?""

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red …

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after liste…

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuri…

Child's Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't kno…

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, ""I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to lo…

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one let…

Aches and Pains At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. ""My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"" said one. ""I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"" replied another. ""I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"" said a third. ""My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,"" another contributed. ""I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"" winced an …

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated. ""Why yes,"" s…