#pope-francis

Popemobile pulled over... So Pope Francis was on his tour of the world, when he came to US. As he was walking out of his grand hotel and getting into the popemobile, he turned to his driver and said ""You know, I haven't had a chance to drive in years. Ever since before I was a cardinal. Would you mind if I took the car for a spin? It would help me feel young again!"" The driver, being devoted and willing to do anything for the pope agreed, but asked where he should ride if His Holiness was goin…

Pope Francis gets a new car. He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV. When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. ""Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"" What are you supposed to say when the Pope asks that? ""Sure thing,"" says the driver. He hops in back and Francis gets behind the wheel. Francis is a little unused to all that engine power so they're lurching arou…

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Pope Francis and a Boy Scout are all on a plane that is about to crash... They quickly realize there are only four parachutes and one of them is going to die. Barack Obama says ""I am the leader of the free world and commander in chief. I also have two daughters that need me. I must survive!"" He takes a parachute and he jumps out of the plane. Donald Trump says ""I am richest man in the world. I have a multi-billion dollar company and many jobs depen…

The meeting with Kim Davis isn't the only thing on his U.S. trip that Pope Francis wanted to keep secret... The engine in his Fiat was a Volkswagen diesel.

John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him. He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.

My friend Larry says he knows everyone... During President Obama's inauguration, Larry told me, ""You know, Obama and I are buddies."" said, ""Sure you are."" He said, ""No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."" Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama with his arm around the guy. Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I like Jennifer Lawrence. Larry said, ""Oh, she's a good friend of mine.""…

This is a long one. What have I done.... So this nun goes into a bar and there are a bunch of squids and piranhas squabbling over their most recent MMA (mixed martial arts) tournament at the Alpha Squid's house the previous weekend. The piranhas were all like ""hey it's not a fair tournament! The cephalopods always got the advantage! We got good teeth but you can squirt ink and kick us with ya tentacles and stuff!"" And the squids are like ""no, no, no, it's totally fair. Piranhas got more agili…

Barack Obama has a long one, George Bush has a short one, Lorde doesn't have one and Pope Francis doesn't use his... Last names. What were you expecting?

The chairman of Perdue Chicken goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. Jim Perdue, CEO of Perdue Chicken, goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. He says ""Pope Francis, it is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am a devoted Catholic, and I'm bringing a generous donation today - 2 million dollars - and in return I simply ask you hear a proposal."" Pope Francis says, ""yes, of course."" Jim Perdue says ""I propose you change all references of bread to chicken. For example, 'Give us this day out dail…

In a major policy change, Pope Francis recently said that a path to redemption is available to everyone who does good deeds, even atheists. Looks like congress is so dysfunctional that even the Vatican is ahead of them in immigration reforms. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/pope-francis-being-an-atheist-is-alright-as-long-as-you-do-good-8629390.html

A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican... A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican. Pope Francis looks at him and says ""Why are you here?"" The Boson replies ""I'm here because you can't have Mass without me."" (Credit goes to JohnG - http://news.yahoo.com/physicists-found-higgs-boson-101311366.html)

Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ""We've been expecting you.""

A Catholic man is on a train. At the next stop, the Vatican, the conductor announces "Good news, everybody! Pope Francis himself Is boarding this very train right now!" Being a die-hard Catholic, the man squeals. *Oh my gosh! The Pope is on this very train!* He then looks up and sees that the Pope is actually in the same car as him. *Wow! He's in the same car as me! Boy, would it be awesome if he sat right ne-* He was cut off when someone sat next to him, and, coincidentally, it was the Pope.…

pope francis One day pope Francis dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. God himself is picking him up and guides him to his very own cloud. God leaves. Francis has his own harp and uses his time to praise the lord. After some hours god shows up again carrying a silver tray with a yogurt on it and a spoon. This repeats for some days. One evening the clouds beneath break up and he has a straight look into hell: he sees the devils making big fires and grilling half pigs, even half cows on the fire.…

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction

Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht... While they were out to sea