#california

So earth is just minding her own business... ...when mars gets all funny and decides to swing an asteroid in our direction. It comes whooshing by, just barely missing earth, who, in her fear, quakes violently, devastating cities all across the west coast of the US. As California lay in ruin, the earth shouts over at Venus, thinking she was getting jealous again, ""What's the big idea?! Do you have any idea how many people just died?!"" Venus shrugs and simply says, ""Wasn't my fault.""

What Did Delaware? -She wore her New Jersey! Why did California? -She called to ask Hawaii. Where did Chicago? -The same place Oregon Where has Oregon? I don't know but Alaska. She said she went to pay her Texas. What did Missisip? She sipped a Minnesota. What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas How did Wisconsin? He robbed an Oklahoma using a Kentucky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

Stable bulls One for the old folks... Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find. The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional …

SO THERE'S THIS WASP So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He …

Watched Sling Blade the other day and heard this charmer. Two young men, one from California the other from Arkansas, we're standing on a bridge relieving themselves into the water. The guy from California looks over and says, ""Gee, this water sure is cold"", To which the guy from Arkansas replies, ""And deep too!""

So there once was this wasp... ...that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high s…

My name is Bjorn and I used to live in California I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

The Mother of All Genie Jokes A truck driver decided to take a vacation to California. While there he went for a walk on the beach and tripped over something. After digging around a bit he pulled out a Lantern and said ""screw it I'll rub it"". After three rubs a Genie pops out and offers to grant him One Wish. Immediately the truck driver responds ""I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid of water and scared to fly. I want you to build me a bridge from here to Hawaii."". To which t…

A joke that my friend told me. So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp, though--he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very sma…

Poverty and Chastity In January I spent a couple of days at a Benedictine monastery in California. It was a gorgeous place, with a courtyard garden full of fragrant orange trees and a retreat house full of antiques. When I first came through the door, one of the brothers glided up to me and said, ""I know what you're thinking: 'If this is poverty, I can't wait to see chastity!"" Like a good chef, always cite your sauces: http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=574

I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.

A blonde's year in review. **January** Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. **February** Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! **March** Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...... Box said ' 2-4 years!' **April** Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!! **May** Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! **June** T…

Nervous about flying I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. ""I'll take care of it,"" she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned ove…

California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. ""Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"" she asked. ""They're mating,"" her father replied. ""What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"" she asked. ""That's a Daddy Longlegs."" Her father answered. ""So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"" the …

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and…

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he coul…

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said ""2-4 years."" April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake wit…

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said ""2-4 years!"" April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake…

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have conclud…

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. ""What can I do for ya'll?"" asks the attendant. ""Fill 'er up with high test,"" replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. ""What kinda car is this?"" he asks. ""I never seen one …

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said ""2 to 4 years"". Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered ""C"". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms…

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2002: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972:…

What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.