#texas

A young guy from Texas moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything under one roof"" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says ""Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Texas ."" Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store w…

LA has come up with a safe space, for people that voted for Trump And they're calling it Texas

[Long] It's the wild west... And this cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse. The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren't even discreet about it. He looks around at everyone and says loud and clear: ""I will walk back into the bar to get myself another drink, and if I don't see my horse right in front of the …

A rough and tough cowboy... A rough and tough cowboy just finished his drink in an Old Western tavern. He stood up and walked outside, but a few seconds later he barreled back through the door. With a mean look on his face and anger in his eyes, he said, ""I'm gonna sit back down and have me another drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it by the time I'm done, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I REALLY don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"" So he sat back …

The Best Actually Racist Joke I know *I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.* Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, ""I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights."" The second says, ""I just like shooting cans."" ""Thats a lot of firepower just for shooting cans."" ""Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...""

I have an uncle in Texas He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long. The things, my uncle's also got a bit of an eccentric streak to him. I don't know if it was the money, or Texas, or just something about him, but the end result was that he deci…

If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah? A Mormon

Bang ! An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Why is an Oklahoma divorce like a Texas twister? Somebody's 'bout to lose a trailer.

One injured in Greyhound rollover in Texas. But the rest of the puppies are fine.

A Lebanese man in Texas A clever Lebanese man moves to the Texas Republic. He wants to buy a mule, but when he goes to see the man he knows is selling one, he is told that the mule has died. ""No problem,"" says he. ""I will give you two dollars for the dead mule."" A few weeks later the mule seller runs into the Lebanese man in town, looking quite prosperous. He asked him what had happened. "" I raffled off the mule. I charged one dollar a ticket, and sold 700 tickets."" ""But weren't the winne…

Texas bar. Two guys, Bill and Jeff, are in a bar in the middle of Texas. They're stereotypical Texans, big hat, cowboy boots, etc. So anyway, they're sitting at the bar drinking their Lonestar beer, when in walks these two guys. They don't walk like Texans, they don't look like Texans, they're obviously not from Texas. Bill tells Jeff to go see where they're from. So he ambles down the bar; ""Hey, where you boys from?"" ""Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."" Jeff walks back, sits down and take a drink of …

man drives his father casket back to mexico... Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas. State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance. Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper. Trooper looks at the license. ""Sir your license is expired. And so is your insurance. What do you have in the truck?"" ""A coffin with my father in it."" Trooper says. ""He expir…

Have you heard the one about the three bodies of water in Texas? Well, well, well...

White guy, Black guy and Mexican guy So, there are three guys; a white guy, a black guy and a Mexican guy. They were all involved in mass murdering as a unit, and have just recently been caught. Their sentence is execution, in Texas an inmate can choose their their own process of execution. Since these three guys are all messed up in the head, their form of execution turns into a rivalry of toughness. White guy: ""I want to prove how though I am. I want a firing squad to shoot at me while I smok…

Why is Texas not a part of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks so much

An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas... The Texan asked ""How large is your farm?"" The Indian replied, ""See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?"" The Texan nodded and said, ""If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you will reach the end of my property line."" The Indian famer chuckled and said, ""Yeah, I've owned cars like that too.""

3 Canadians, 5 Americans, 2 Franks, 1 Arab, 6 Brits, 4 Aussies and 2 Chinese are in line to board a plane from Texas to New York. Who gets randomly searched?

A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Texas to Mexico..... he agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy. Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said ""please, can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane""? The pilot replied, ""I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise .""(He thought the mad man couldn't do it) The mad man went in, after some minutes, the plane was silent as if an angel had had just appeared. After some tim…

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed. The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

Texas, wilderness, deer... with phones [long] A couple live in Texas. The wife always persists the husband to go hunting because they she doesn't want them to waste money when they have food in their backyard. One day, he sees a dear and thinks he would probably be able to get the deer and get some fair meat out of him. Before he shoots the deer disappears and the husband follows. Once deep in the forest, the deer turns to face the husband but the husband gets a fair shot. The deer runs away tho…

This is for my people Four guys, white, black, Hispanic and Asian, are all on a plane filled with care packages. They fly over China, where the Asian guy throws over a crate filled with chopsticks and rice as he yells, ""This is for my people!"" Next, they fly over Mexico, where the Hispanic guy throws over a crate filled with tacos and salsa as he yells, ""This is for my people!"" After that, they fly over Texas, where the white guy throws over a crate filled with beer and hamburgers as he yell…

What do a UT Austin student and a Texas A&M student have in common? They both applied to UT Austin

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other ""The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"" The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. ""You can't be serious.."" He slurs The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation ""Well?"" he asks. The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. ""Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida fr…