#jeff

"What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?" "An octopus?" "No Jeff, the answer is my wife's 4 divorce attorneys"

Choosy moms choose Jif. Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.

*blood everywhere* "What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?" Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here

[knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"

You can't name your dog Jeff, that's illegal

Jeff: i'm pro gun. Me: i'm anti gun. Greg: i'm vegan. Me: i'm pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Crocodile: "See ya later alligator." Alligator: "yeah, I don't do that anymore Jeff."

Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park? Me: yes I started it I am the president

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you're thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of "You had so much potential" with a steaming side of "You shoulda married Jeff."

"It's pronounced Jeff" "Whatever you say, Goff"

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"

Deer: I have a proposal for you Rabbit: I'm all ears Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing Rabbit: That's pretty hurtful Jeff

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for

once a woman in the mall said "isn't everything cuter with babies?!" and jeff replied "not coffins" and just stared at her until she cried

Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...

You never hear about a new ghost. "Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday."

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.

Jeff is here! "Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room" Jeff is here!

A grasshopper walks into a bar bartender says...""Hey, we have a drink named after you."" Grasshopper says ""You have a drink named Jeff?"". budum pshhhh.

The Two Hunters One day, two hunters decided to go hunt moose. After several hours, they hadn't found a single moose. They decided to split up and cover more ground and then meet up in a pre determined location. The first hunter, Chuck, wandered off to the left, while the second hunter, Jeff, wandered off to the right. After some time, Chuck sees some bushes ahead rustling. He waits to see what will come out of the bushes. Out comes Jeff screaming ""i'm not a moose, i'm not a moose!!"" Chuck the…

Lawyer fails When Harriet had been declared missing, Jeffrey Pritchett knew things had gotten far out of hand. ""Did she find out about him and Angela? Where was she? What had she done?"" thought Jeff, when the police arrived. Unable to provide any satisfactory replies to them, he became the primary suspect and spent the night in jail. The next morning, in court, matters were made worse when witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused made…

Radio station contest A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: ""96FM here, what's your name?"" Caller: ""Hi, my name's Dave."" DJ: ""Dave, what's your word?"" Dave: ""Goan... spelled, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."" DJ: ""... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that wo…

Sleeping with the Rabbi's Wife Jeff asks his best friend for a favor, ""Jim, I want to sleep with the Rabbi's wife so I need you to take him out tomorrow afternoon so I don't get caught."" Jim agrees to help his friend so he calls up the Rabbi and plan to meet for lunch the next day. So Jim and the Rabbi are eating lunch while Jim is waiting for a text from Jeff saying the coast is clear. The Rabbi picks up on the fact that Jim is just killing time and asks him why. Jim says, ""I am so sorry Rab…