#texas

It's surprising how small the universe was. The whole universe, according to the The Big Bang Theory intro, used to be in a hot dense state. Does anyone else find it incredible that the entire universe used to fit in Texas?

Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma Sucks!

George and Martha, a retired couple from Texas are traveling across the United States in their big Cadilac. Martha has a headache and is lying in the back seat. She is also half deaf. They pull into a full service gas station and a young man comes running out to take care of them. Attendant: ""filler up for you sir?"" Geroge: ""yeah that would be great"" Martha : ""WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?"" George: ""HE SAID DO I WANT A FILL UP"" Martha: ""oh"" Attendant:""check your oil for ya?"" George: ""yeah, …

Oil Pipeline from Canada to Mexico. Democrats tell the Republicans they want to build a highway from the Canadian border in North Dakota to Mexican border in Texas. Republicans get angry telling them the only reason they want to build the highway is so they can use it as an excuse not to build a pipeline. Democrats say they have enough votes to push it down the Repubs throat. The Texas Senator says at least let us save some of our honor. Allow us to name the highway after a great Texan so that w…

Patient just told me a joke yesterday When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why? They are out standing in the field

The Legend of Toxic Chemical Smoothie Sit right down and I'll share the tale Of how three Texas guys and one crazy female Came up with the best inside joke there's ever been About the greatest band the world's never seen It started with a video game late one night Toxic Chemical Smoothie sounded just right For their imaginary band and its imaginary deeds That evening's laughter contained the joke's seeds They'd all talk about it from time to time Whenever the memory came to mind Till one Christm…

Three men are sitting in a delivery room... Three men are sitting in a waiting room outside a delivery room in a hospital. A nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the first man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of quadruplets."" The man replies: ""That's so amazing because I live in Four Corners, Montana, what are the odds?"" Another nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the second man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and h…

Pig With a Wooden Leg A journalist on vacation in Texas is driving on his way to do some sightseeing. Soon, he gets stuck in traffic. After slowly inching his way forward, he decides to take a back road. After getting hopelessly lost, he stops at the nearest ranch to ask for directions. Walking up to the ranch, he is met by a farmer, who is followed by a pig with a wooden leg. At first, the journalist is extremely confused, but then realizes that this could be an interesting new story, and asks …

A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in. ""Wow, this seat is gigantic!"" he says. ""I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!"" The woman next to him says, ""Sure, everything's bigger in Texas, hun."" The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth a…

What Did Delaware? -She wore her New Jersey! Why did California? -She called to ask Hawaii. Where did Chicago? -The same place Oregon Where has Oregon? I don't know but Alaska. She said she went to pay her Texas. What did Missisip? She sipped a Minnesota. What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas How did Wisconsin? He robbed an Oklahoma using a Kentucky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

My father's Texas joke A Texan gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, ""You got an ID?"" The Texan says, ""... about what?""

Your mother is so ugly, that if she were the only girl in Texas... ...the Lone Ranger would be lonely for a loooooooooooooooong time

In Texas we pronounce it ""nu-que-lur"" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS! -Texas Senator Wendy Davis

Bubba n' Buford III Bubba n' Buford jes left Texas A&M where they'd attend a seminar entitled ""Advanced Composting"" n' were a headin' back up Highway 79 towards east Texas. After a bit they got into an argument over whether Marquez was pronounced Mar-KEY or Mar-KAY. Well, they decided since they were about to go through Marquez they'd stop at the Dairy Queen for lunch n' ask, n' whoever was right would pay for lunch n' that they did. After orderin' Bubba smiles n' asks the waitress, ""My f…

Texas A&M offers a new degree! In recent news, Texas A&M has decided to drop its Liberal Arts degree in favor of a ""Conservative Arts"" program. This unprecedented academic reform comes at the behest of parents who are concerned about what their children are learning at the school. One parent is quoted as saying, ""We thought we'd taught our kids all they needed to know to become adults. They were good kids, you know? They went to church every Sunday, they did their homework, believed i…

The Balls of the Bull A man from Texas takes a trip to Spain. The first night of his trip he goes to a Tapas Bar. His waiter comes over and the Texan says ""Bring me the meatiest most delicious dish you have"". The waiter returns with two enormous meatballs covered in unctuous sauce. He devours them and asks the waiter what was in them. ""Senor, these are the balls of the bull killed today at the bullfight"" ""They were delicious, I shall come back every night of my trip and eat them"" The dutif…

Do you have a Category for LONGEST Joke? (ok maybe it's not a ""joke"", but it sure is funny) If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a majo…

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ""Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"" ""And the best of the day te yerself…

What do the name of a troll on this subreddit, the behavior of said troll, and any of the 50 states that don't border Arkansas, Kansas, Colorado, Missouri, New Mexico, and Texas have in common? [it's not ok!] (http://www.reddit.com/user/itsnotok) EDIT: (http://www.reddit.com/user/itsnotok) did NOTHING WRONG. I meant to put the similarly named [it is not ok] (http://www.reddit.com/user/**Itisnotokay**)

An old man and his wife stop at a gas station... it's an old-time type gas station where an attendant comes out and pumps the gas for you. While the gas tank is being filled, the young attendant tries to make some conversation. He sees that the car has Texas plates and asks the old man, ""I see you're from Texas. What part?"" Before the old man can answer, his wife leans over from hr side of the car and squawks, ""Heyyyy? What'd he say?"" The old man, about to answer the attendant, instead, says…

Wife's Duties Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home. The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't …

A cowboy walks into a saloon as he's passing through town. As he sits down with his drink he notices a few rough looking locals at a table staring and pointing at him and looking generally unfriendly. He finishes his drink, and not wanting any trouble he decides he'd better get back on the road again. He walks out and notices that his horse is no longer tied to the hitch, so he turns around and heads back into the bar. All of the guys at the table are snickering and laughing and staring at him a…

Remembering Brothers A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all le…

An old cowboy rides into town.. He ties his horse to the post and walks into the local bar to have a drink. Once his drink is done he walks outside to see his horse is gone. The cowboy immediately walks back into the bar, pulls out his gun and shoots it in the air. He says loudly ""I'm going to sit down and have another drink and my horse better be outside by the time I'm done, or else I will have to do what I did back in Texas. And I dont want to do what I did back in Texas"". Once he is done w…