#martha

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

"knock knock" whos there "orange" orange who "orange u glad im not a banana?" .... MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

At the State Fair.... Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, ""Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."" And every year Martha would say, ""I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."" This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, ""Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."" Martha replied, ""Stumpy, that there air…

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair... There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, ""Martha, I think I really should try that."" Martha replies, ""I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."" So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says …

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, ""Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"" Martha replied, ""Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, ""I n…

The purple feather Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . ""A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone"" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked ""how did you find this?"" Billy replied ""I was walking to school and I found the feather on the side of the road. Class resumes and Billy is in science class. Mrs. Martha tells Billy to go to the hallway and she follows. …

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper... ... He rings them up, asks how much it costs. ""One dollar per word"", says the clerk. ""Ok, here's the message: ""Martha dead"" The clerk pauses and replies: ""You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."" ""Ok, let's do that. Here goes:"" says the guy, ""Martha dead. For Sale Honda Civic""

Martha, Lily and Maggie were having tea and the conversation went to comparing their own son's achievements..... Martha : Well, my son is currently the top lawyer in the UK that was knighted by the Queen herself and whenever anyone sees him will say ""Oh there goes Sir Stewart!"" Lily : Not bad, but my son has been made the Baron of Yorkiebar and anyone who sees him will say ""Oh there goes Lord Allen!"" Maggie : Very impressive ladies but my son is 10 metres tall and 20 metres wide and anyone w…

Just another horse joke A donkey walks up to a horse exclaiming ""good news, the doctor called and it's going to be a boy!"" The horse mumbles under its breath ""I really wish you hadn't made an ass of yourself."" The donkey retorts by stating ""well.. due to speciation it'll be a mule and, as such, it will be infertile, dying childless and alone. You knew this going in, Martha!""

Juan was working on the roof of a one story house, when he slipped and fell . He calls his wife ""Maria, I just fell from the roof and broke my leg and I think I cracked some ribs. I am on my way to the Hospital, Martha is taking me"" Maria responds calmly "" Who's Martha?""

The cheating wife of a Southern millionaire is about to have her night . . . . . . after weeks of emails and pictures, she's about to meet her mystery man o' the night. At the hotel they agreed upon and in the room that was reserved for her, she lays on the bed. A knock on the door as she jumps from the bed, already in her silken pajamas. Upon opening the door, she is greeted by her husband with a box of condoms. Surprised as like a woman catching her husband goat f*cking, she jerks out of her s…

Elderly conception An elderly couple go to the doctors office. They explain they would like to convince a child. The doctor explains how difficult it will be but the couple is persistent. He agrees to help and hands the old man a jar and tells him to fill it and bring it back. The following day the couple return to the office looking tired and bewildered. They sit down and hand the empty vial back to the doctor. ""Doc, we tried all night. I tried with my right hand. I tried with my left. Hell, M…

I approached the grieving widow at the funeral. ""Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"" She sniffled and feebly replied. ""You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!""

A man thinks his wife has a hearing problem So he does a test, a few meters away from her he asks ""Martha, can you hear me?"". He heard no response. He took a step towards her repeating the question - no response. Then he tries again from almost next to her and she responds ""For the third time already, yes I can hear you!""

George and Martha, a retired couple from Texas are traveling across the United States in their big Cadilac. Martha has a headache and is lying in the back seat. She is also half deaf. They pull into a full service gas station and a young man comes running out to take care of them. Attendant: ""filler up for you sir?"" Geroge: ""yeah that would be great"" Martha : ""WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?"" George: ""HE SAID DO I WANT A FILL UP"" Martha: ""oh"" Attendant:""check your oil for ya?"" George: ""yeah, …

Golf Balls An old couple is making love in their old dusty bedroom when the woman stops and says ""Harold, I've been meaning to ask you something."" She gets off of the bed and pulls a shoebox out from under the bed. Harold gets a little nervous and she says, ""Harold we've been married for 50 years and I just don't understand this."" She opens up the box to reveal 3 golf balls and a stack of cash. Harold says, ""Martha, after 50 years of marraige to you I cannot lie. Each time I have been unfat…

Bedside Wife A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him. He says ""Martha, I have something to confess to you."" She says ""No dear, save your energy."" He says "" I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."" She says "" I know, I poisoned you.""

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."" Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ........ --------------------------…

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, ""John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"" A ghostly voice answered her, ""Yes …

Cheating for "Good" Reasons An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's…

A Golfer's Love Story An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's …

Ten dollars is ten dollars. Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airpla…

A woman tells her husband Fred that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day. He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted. Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’…

Three women are sitting in a cafe, talking about their husbands. "My husband is a miner," says Heather. "I like being in bed with him because he has an incredible shaft." "Mine is a dentist," says Linda. "I like being in bed with him because no one can drill like he can." "You're both lucky," says Martha. "My husband's a mailman." "What's wrong with that?" asks Heather. "Well," says Martha, "he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong slot."

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe. Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!" "I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!" "I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha. The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was 'The Three Little Pigs'!" "I got Disney+ last month too," says Linda. "The first movie I watched on it was 'Snow …