#austin

a kid at school the teacher told the students... ""i will let you out of class early if you get the next questions right""...... first question.. what is the capital of texas..... michael raised his hand and said AUSTIN she let him go.... a few seconds later johnny threw a peice of paper at the teacher and hit her in the face... she got mad and asked WHO THREW THAT johnny said I DID and took off cuz he got the answer right..... feak...

Chilli Testing!!! If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springf…

""I got you a new shirt."" I told my girlfriend. GF: Really? Show me! *Pulls shirt out of a bag. Has Austin in big letters on the chest and below it says For Indoor Use Only* GF: Thank you! I'll put it on right now! Me: No, please don't! You can't use it! GF: Why? Me: Cause that's my name. Don't wear it out.

How does Austin Powers decide which guys he will sleep with? (NSFW) By giving them an oral test first. ""If you can gag me, you can shag me!""

Texas Chili Cook-off! Texas Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween co…

A fav from Austin Powers Hope a movie script is okay for this subreddit: Dr. Evil and Austin Powers are hurriedly climbing up a ladder, when Austin falls, grabbing onto Dr Evil's pants on the way down, thus dropping his pants a certain amount: Austin *in his heavily accented voice* : ""You know, Dr. Evil... I always thought you were insane"". Dr. Evil *looks back down at Austin*: ""I know"" Austin: ""But now I just see your (you're) nuts."" This has been one of my favorites for a long time. Hope…

Do you have a Category for LONGEST Joke? (ok maybe it's not a ""joke"", but it sure is funny) If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a majo…

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, ""I want my $20 million."" To which the man replied, ""No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."" The Redneck said, ""Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."" Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during…

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and…

Things I've Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint c…

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back a…

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, ""Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?"" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, ""Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'…

'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the world's second largest population oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin how old am I ? 'Thirty two!' 'Why did you say that ?' 'Well my brother's sixteen and he's half mad !'

Four college friends Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend wi…

State Trooper pulls a car over A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.   The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had s…

Redneck DUI A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? "If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."

What is one of Austin Growlers's (the bear version of Austin Powers) most-famous catchphrases? Oh bee !