#dallas

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas... ... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says ""Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"" She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."" She continues reading her magazine. The flight attendent c…

Pack your Bags A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage. As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, ""I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."" The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the w…

TEXAS SURVIVOR Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show ""Survivor"" by hosting its own version. Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amarillo. Contestants will be give a pink Saab with a bumper stickers that read, ""I'm Gay, I'm Vegan, I Voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"" The contestant who makes it back …

Neighborhood Hazard (Long but worth it) I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for …

The Dallas gunman was a bit late. I know he wanted red whites in blue, but the 4th of July was like a week and a half ago.

Dallas Police is hiring As of Friday morning they have 5 positions to fill

What color was the Dallas shooters eyes? Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way.

A redneck girl is sucking off her black power boyfriend. What's her favorite song? I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas

A time-traveller and his student.. A college professor at a small college had just invented time-travel. He knew he couldn't trust just anyone with this secret, so he chose to tell only his best student; an african-american student named Mark. When the professor told him, Mark was shocked! ""So what do you plan to do with you time-machine?"" Mark asked. ""I'm going to kill Hitler when he was a child"" The professor responded. Mark was both appalled and intrigued, so he asked the professor if he …

Psycho Squirrel An oldie, but a goodie: I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for …

Yesterday, radical Islamists attacked an art gallery near Dallas that mocked Muhammad. Police managed to shoot and kill the terrorists. My favorite drawings of Muhammad at the exhibit were the two chalk outlines out front.

""She's a Veterinarian."" Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her. ""Mrs. Smythe, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'"" ""Why yes,"" she replied, ""every week my daughter sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."" ""That's wonderful, how much does she send you?"" ""At least $2,000 a week."" ""And what does she do for a livi…

Ted Cruz is going to be in a movie Dummy Does Dallas

So a wealthy Texan's son is getting married... ...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes. The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and says that her ""fee"" will be a supper at a very nice Dallas restaurant. After dessert, they are lingering over coffee; he presents the ring to his friend, she o…

Topical Jokes for 10/26 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) In Dallas, a man was arrested after he attacked a man in a pink shirt, while shouting homophobic slurs. Because what could be less gay than freaking out over another man's outfit? In California, a man robbed a convenience store, only to return later to apologize and give back the money. The cashier accepted the man's apology, then shot him eleven times. Scientists in Switzerland used a spectrometer to …

A long time ago, a kid and his mom were walking... ...on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, ""Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."" She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school. A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. ""Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!"" he said. So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespear…

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and…

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back a…

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. ""Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he noted. ""Why yes,"" she replied, ""every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."" ""That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"" asked the priest. ""Oh, $2,000 a week."" said the old lady. ""Your son is very successful…

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: ""Good morning. As we leave Dallas it`s warm the sun is shining and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte where it`s dark windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."" ""As we prepare for takeoff please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."" ""Your seat cushions can be used for f…

Four college friends Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend wi…

Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola? The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London... As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager t…

While we're in the business of Texas jokes... A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims "Wow, these seats are much larger than normal!" One of the flight attendants turns to him and says "Everything's bigger in Texas." He arrives in Dallas and decides to try some local cuisine. He orders a BBQ burger, and af…

Marines Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’…