#david

Victoria and David Beckham were getting ready to attend a glittering awards ceremony when she turned to him and said: "This tampon. Does it make me look fat?" Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up. Frankie Boyle

David Beckham was flying out to the Beijing Olympics. A reporter asked him whether he was taking chopsticks. David replied: "No, she's staying at home with the kids."

The England national soccer team were meeting ahead of a game in Germany. David Beckham asked the coach: "Where is Michael Owen?" The coach replied: "He's gone to get a tetanus injection." "Oh," said David. "I might just get a new car myself while I'm here." If you asked David Beckham to recite the alphabet backwards, he'd turn around and recite the alphabet. Frankie Boyle

Thief: “Hands up or else.” David: “Or else what?” Thief: “Don’t get me confused. This is my first job!”