#david

!!BAD DRIVERS!! There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!" David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the followi…

Pope gets a lesson Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a …

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross. The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't…

The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City... ... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene. So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you…

the most famous person in the history of the world The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world." An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick." "Sorry Seamus, that's not correct." Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon." The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ." "That's right, David! You win the five d…

David Cameron Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

Two Beggars in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of Dav…

The Irish Railway Company Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with r…

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day so now we just call him Dav.

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your son…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the St…

Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will gi…

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery... Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield. He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of you Criss, first you steal tricks, now you steal cakes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." He goes to the owner of the bak…

Two Jews walking down the street Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door. **CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM GET $50!** "$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!" "Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real." Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside. Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes ou…

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patien…

George Bush is with the Queen of England. George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?" "Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?" David…

Two Irish men were talking one morning.. "You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum. "Why, What did I do?", said David. "You took a taxi home!" "So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!" "The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy... Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind th…

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor... He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace." The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities. Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand …

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following …

Two Beggars Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fello…

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. …